Nolte: I’m Thankful Thanksgiving Offends All the Worst People

Close-up of man serving Thanksgiving turkey during family meal at dining table (Stock Photo via Getty)
Stock Photo via Getty

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Turkey, stuffing, pie, four-day weekend… What’s not to love? But what makes Thanksgiving especially enjoyable are all the neurotic and narcissistic whiners who use the holiday to pretend they’re not Nazis.

Nobody stole your land, you godless crybaby.

Nobody slaughtered you or anyone you know, you squealing little gerbil.

Why don’t you cry some more, bitch, while I add another dollop of whipped cream onto this fat slice of sweet potato pie.

Yes, it’s these whiners who remind me of just how good life is in America.

Imagine a country where life is so good that the only thing a bunch of overprivileged, simpering little bitches have to bitch about is shit that happened 150 years ago to people they don’t know and are not related to.

That sounds like a pretty great country to me.

Imagine a country so great that the only thing these professional, all-about-me moaners can find to moan about (when they’re not manufacturing race hoaxes) is stuff that happened so long ago Joe Biden doesn’t remember it. Of course, Joe Biden can’t remember why he’s on the toilet, so that might not be the best example.

Anyway, that sounds like a pretty great country to me.

Imagine a country so great that the professional grousers are not only forced to look back hundreds of years but forced to lie about what happened hundreds of years ago — this absurd lie that no one in North America was stealing land or enslaving or exploiting the environment until the honkies arrived.

Hulton Archive/Getty Images

C’mon, is this a great country, or what?

And where do all these plaintive cries emanate from every November? From smug, self-righteous babies who are themselves sitting on stolen land; from overeducated, well-to-do, pompous losers who have yet to sell their iPhones, MacBooks, or the car daddy bought them and hand those reparations to the “indigenous peoples.”

My favorite part about these self-satisfied, overindulged, busybody fascists is how they want us to forget that all the horrors heaped upon the American Indian came from one place: the federal government. And what do these same silver-spooned, emotionally damaged, infantile Thanksgiving-haters all want? They want this very same federal government in charge of our health care and banking; they want a federal police force and to put an end to end rural America. They want us all disarmed and put on a Trail of Tears as we’re herded onto the federal reservation of “Green Utopia” and forced to eat bugs, drink our own piss, and live in 200 square feet of “Sustainability.”

And after that happens, you can bet that these oh-so compassionate, Thanksgiving-haters will themselves staff the Bureau of MAGA Affairs to ensure our religion, language, culture, and way of life are raped and destroyed as they “civilize” our children and us into good little modern progressives.

Yessir, the people offended over Thanksgiving are all a bunch of miserable Nazis, and knowing miserable Nazis are incapable of enjoying this beautiful holiday puts only joy in my heart… And that’s why Columbus Day is my second favorite holiday.

God bless America.

God bless Western Civilization.

Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.


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