Look, I know it’s not an ideal situation. In a perfect universe we would all be able to cooperate and coexist in the same environment, acting respectfully for each other’s views and the freedom of the land. But that just isn’t the world we live in.
Time for some honesty. Women are — and you won’t hear this anywhere else — screwing up the internet for men by invading every space we have online and ruining it with attention-seeking and a needy, demanding, touchy-feely form of modern feminism that quickly comes into conflict with men’s natural tendency to be boisterous, confrontational and delightfully autistic.
The fact is, women are more easily rattled by nastiness than men. That’s a stereotype, but it’s also true — in the landmark Pew study on online harassment, women were more than twice as likely as men to say they were “very upset” by online harassment. That’s why, despite the fact that men are more likely to face abuse online, it’s mostly women you hear complaining about it in the pages of The Guardian and on Buzzfeed.
Men have had enough of third-wave feminism’s incessant and pathetic whinging about everything from gender pronouns to this bizarre “online harassment” craze — or “cyber-violence,” as they sometimes bizarrely call it. Women are upset at men being rude to them, and feel “oppressed,” we are told, whenever they are treated on equal terms as men in the maelstrom of trolling that is social media.
Consider the GamerGate controversy, where gamers fought back against the nannying, hectoring feelings police and were branded “harassers” and “misogynists.” It’s also happened in comics: if you go to an online comics forum and talk about anything but how stunning and brave the new SJW storylines are, you’ll get the boot.
The internet can’t cope any more with such strenuous tension between the sexes. I mean, there’s a reason that male golfers don’t compete against female golfers. They’re in a league of their own, and it would end in tears. It’s time to apply this logic to the online world.
Here’s my suggestion to fix the gender wars online: Women should just log off. Given that men built the internet, along with the rest of modern civilisation, I think it’s only fair that they get to keep it. And given what a miserable time women are having on the web, surely they would welcome an abrupt exit. They could go back to bridge tournaments, or wellness workshops, or swapping apple crumble recipes, or whatever it is women do in their spare time.
I, Donald Trump and the rest of the alpha males will continue to dominate the internet without feminist whining. It will be fun! Like a big fraternity, with jokes and memes and no more worrying about whether an off-colour but harmless remark will suddenly torpedo your career.
We’ll get to keep 4chan, any news sites that actually matter, like this one, and the few reddit communities that haven’t yet contracted cancer. It’s a win-win!
Of course, I do recognise that despite the propaganda about them being evil harassers and patriarchs, most men actually like being nice to women. So perhaps, in our collective benevolence, we might design a second internet — a “safe space” web just for women. After all, gender segregation is all the rage in feminist-run countries. Just look at Germany and Sweden!
Naturally, Anita Sarkeesian, Amanda Marcotte, Jessica Valenti, Trigglypuff and every other whiny body-positive Tumblr feminist would be relegated to the female internet. We could probably throw in all of the low-T male feminists too, since they haven’t got any balls anyway. And the pedophile apologists at Salon… after we castrate them. Ben Shapiro’s blog can be repurposed to serve the new “white knight community” on FemWeb.
We’ll give the female internet Tumblr, Pinterest and body positivity blogs. Judging by their financial reports, Gawker, Buzzfeed, and Salon will be dead by the time this actually happens, so no need to worry about allocating them a home. The likes of National Review and any other cucked old Republican stiffs can sod off, too.
No word yet from the committee on where Hillary Clinton will end up. The FBI might have banned her from the internet by then, though.
Now, there will be feminists hate-reading this column who are thinking to themselves that this is actually a great idea. They are imagining an internet experience without horrid men to harass them.
But you may want to reconsider, hambeasts! Another problem women may face, even with their very own online space, is that they’re a lot more vicious to each other than men are. Sure, they blame all the harassment on men, but as ever with feminism, the facts tell a different story.
A recent study of “misogynistic” abuse on social media (“slut,” “whore,” and so on) found that more than half of the allegedly anti-female abuse came from women themselves. It really is a sisterhood — complete with hair-pulling, vendettas and slapfights.
Yes, read that to yourself again: half or more of internet harassment comes from women, especially the types who model themselves on the stunning and brave feminists listed above. So it’s actually the men who would be retreating to safe space, insulated from some horrendous bloody bitches.
Broadband access to the female internet will cost more than the male internet, since women love whining endlessly about the “pink tax” they supposedly pay. On the other hand, the female internet will only be 77 per cent as fast as the male internet. A bandwidth gap, if you will. It’s fine though, women don’t watch porn — all they need is broadband fast enough to bully each other on Mumsnet and weep about being alone on OkCupid.
Transgender people won’t be able to use the internet at all because they won’t know which ethernet cable to plug in, but they’re generally too busy hacking away at their forearms to remember to check Gmail.
Which reminds me: when women have their own web, I hope they still hire men to run the thing. We’re nice like that, we’ll do it. If the infrastructure is run by women, prepare for some serious downtime.
I’m sure some of my female fans (and they are legion) are starting to feel a bit betrayed at this point. So I want to clarify things: yes, we will certainly let women onto the men’s internet a few times a year, as long as you follow a few basic rules.
Firstly, your mission in life isn’t to collect an army of beta orbiters who will get you out of scrapes when you call a dude a “pathetic manbaby” and then can’t take it when he fires back.
Secondly, your vagina is not a qualification for a job, for political office or for special treatment. Tits or GTFO is the second commandment of the male internet.
Thirdly, you should only post lots of selfies if you are as hot as me.
Though the male internet will largely be free, as the internet should be, a strike system will be in place. Every cucky comment will result in a strike, and offenders who have reached the maximum score of three will be given compulsory transition surgery and forced to join the female internet.
Butch lesbians who follow the anti-SJW pledge of allegiance are permitted to access the male internet on a conditional green card.
This is all barking mad, of course, but what it illustrates is that feminism never brings men and women together in equality. it drives the sexes apart through acrimony, constant suspicion and antagonism like “teach men not to rape” and illogical generalities and conspiracy theories like the “patriarchy.”
Because as insane as my suggestion sounds, it’s genuinely the best recipe for harmony between the sexes until women can stop lying about “abuse” and “harassment” or at least learn to take it as well as dish it out. And if you have to choose between men getting internet connections and women, well. We want to get to Mars, don’t we?
Society worked well when men and women had their own hobbies, time apart and places to go, in which to let off steam. But thrust together constantly, it simply doesn’t work — especially if feminism has systematically infiltrated or shut down male-only spaces like golf clubs and pubs, leaving men with no outlet but online comment sections.
Who knows, some readers might be tempted to give my idea a try. Go ahead, and report back on the state of the two internets after a few years. I know which one I’d rather be on…