Although I am yet to experience a full American-style Thanksgiving, I have been living vicariously through my Breitbart colleagues this week and learned quite a bit about the experience. I’ve learned, for example, that it involves bringing the family together for a large meal followed by napping and American-rules football.
Whenever a large family gets together there is bound to be political bickering. Apparently, President Obama thinks it’s appropriate to guide this holiday discussion by suggesting gun control as a topic. I’ve also learned that traditionally the president will pardon a turkey from ending up on the table, and that this too has been politicized by Obama.
But I have also, most enjoyably, learned that for social justice warriors, Thanksgiving is an extremely problematic holiday. SJWs don’t have to worry about arguing with family, since they wouldn’t consider breaking bread with anyone that disagrees with them. Which is of course making the major assumption that they won’t spend the day completely alone.
Yet the problematic nature of Thanksgiving isn’t found in the heightened sense of loneliness that awful people feel on holidays that are about love and family and tradition, in particular celebrations of American culture, including colonialist versions of Native American culture, and featuring the Christian pilgrims.
No, the real problem crybullies have with Thanksgiving is the food on the table. The gluttonous overeating of Thanksgiving is a virtue to SJWs “of size,” yet I have discovered that few if any of them are able to fully enjoy the experience, because they are crippled by guilt. Let me explain.
If you are reading this article after your own feast, please pace yourself: social justice logic can be hard to follow, and I don’t want to be responsible for dizziness, vertigo or nausea.
Turkey: The centrepiece of the Thanksgiving feast is the source of SJWs “literally shaking and crying” as they even consider serving it. Firstly, you have the anemic bleating of the obligatory vegans, who of course feel perfectly comfortable forcing their lifestyle on everyone around them. Secondly, you have the race-obsessed crowd that are outraged that Americans prefer white meat to dark meat (more for me!). I wouldn’t be surprised if the hashtag #DarkMeatMatters is trending by the end of the day on Twitter. Finally, the creative SJWs complaining that serving turkey is ableist since it is a bird that prefers not to fly.
Stuffing: This popular side dish is often inserted into the turkey for cooking. Although recipes vary widely, the basic ingredient is stale bread. Insisting on old bread is a form of ageism in the addled minds of a millennial SJW. Furthermore, the turkey being filled with stuffing seems awfully close to sexual assault. Did the turkey consent? I don’t think so!
Mashed Potatoes: This bland white food represents everything the SJW hates about herself and her comfortable upper middle class upbringing. The self loathing is so extreme that if they see a bowl of mashed potatoes they will attempt to add to their collection of piercings with a homemade nose-ring. More extreme SJWs will argue that mashed potatoes are cultural appropriation from the Irish. These folks operate under the assumption that Irish people are not white, as it is impossible to culturally appropriate from whites.
Gravy: This is a love-hate relationship, since so many SJWs would love to climb into a bathtub full of gravy and suck up every last drop. Their therapists tell them that gravy is a symbol for the largesse of their parents and useful idiot admirers, which they survive on but resent. Therefore it is triggering to the ardent SJW to see a bowl of gravy on the table.
Corn: I’m told that one of the few things most Americans remember learning in school about the first Thanksgiving is that corn is called maize by the native Americans, who taught the Pilgrims to grow it as a food source for the long winter. This is a clear cut case of cultural appropriation, colonialism, and rape of Native American cuisine. Do not make the mistake of serving.
Ham: Some families serve ham along with turkey. Imagine the cold sweat on the brow of SJWs imaging the offense Muslims are taking around the world with every bite their family takes. The guilt is crushing for them. (Rarely do SJWs complain about their similarly restricted friends in the Jewish faith, but it was honestly really the next thing they were going to mention.)
Rolls: Rolls are problematic not for their ingredients or preparation, but for how they are served. Typically they are on the table in a basket, and with everyone reaching for delicious bread, hands are sure to graze each other. If affirmative consent was not received for hand touching before the meal, sexual assault has just been committed. Even SJWs find it tedious for their entire dinner conversation to revolve around discussing their feelings about assault whenever the rolls are passed around. The big exception will be bread baked with vaginal yeast, sure to be a big hit at every feminist Thanksgiving.
Devilled Eggs: This side dish is a microcosm of everything that is wrong with western culture in the minds of social justice warriors. The white of the egg is left perfectly alone while the rich yolk is torn apart and mixed with other ingredients before being returned to the egg white as a cruel mockery of its proud original state.
Pumpkin Pie: To the campus crybully freshly home from their Marxist brainwashing centre — I mean, university campus — pumpkin pie represents the evils of capitalism. The meat of the pumpkin is cruelly stripped out like natural resources from Mother Earth, only to be transformed by machinery into a product whose only purpose is to provide a delicious treat for someone who has either paid for it, or expended the necessary labor to create the pie for themselves.
Cranberry Sauce: This is the single traditional Thanksgiving food that is perfectly okay to serve social justice warriors. Think about it: it’s absolutely useless, has an unnatural red hue and a tendency to stain anyone and anything it touches. A culinary match made in Heaven.