OBAMA: The Gulf gusher, Sestak and Romanoff, Israeli terrorism on the high seas –you see what’s happening here? We’ve lost control of the narrative. We look like bystanders, passive and helpless. Even Old Media isn’t shilling for us. What the hell do we pay them for?
ROBERT GIBBS: They’re too busy covering themselves covering the spill, sir. Last night, the anchors led their broadcasts with attacks on each other over who was doing the best job keeping your feet to the fire.
DAVID AXELROD: We need to do something dramatic to knock those stories off the front pages, sir–start driving the news again.
RAHM EMANUEL: He’s right, sir. Cap and trade, the union pension bailout, an FTC leash on the internet, selling out Israel, stealth-sabotaging the economy so Americans turn to you for salvation–our whole agenda is stalled.
OBAMA: OK, how’s this: think of something really bad that’s bound to happen in the foreseeable future. Then, suggest an action we can take now to forestall that event, a move so bold it dominates the news for weeks and gets us out of our prevent defense.
TIM GEITHNER: China, sir. We don’t want them dumping our Treasury bonds too soon, or all hell breaks loose before we’re ready. So we make a deal: they continue to prop us up while we pursue a controlled decline, we give them Manhattan as a “Special Administrative Region,” like Hong Kong.
OBAMA: Too arcane. Who’s gonna care about that besides Krugman and Cramer? Besides, I got my mosque going up at Ground Zero and I don’t want any interference with that. I want a game-changer. I want the Times banner headline to be in one inch font. I want the networks to schedule specials.
AXELROD: The Middle East, sir? If we continue keeping Israel in check, Iran will nuke them within the year. It’ll be a holy mess over there when Israel retaliates. If people think you’re ineffectual now . . .
OBAMA: So?
AXELROD: So, we seize the initiative and launch a preemptive strike on an Israeli city before Iran does. Israel won’t have cause to vaporize Iran, saving millions of lives and denying Ahmadinejad and the mullahs their martyrdom.
OBAMA: Hmm . . . Strangelovian. A nuclear firebreak, risky but averting something far worse. And our bomb, unlike the Iranians’ would be clean, keeping casualties modest.
GEORGE MITCHELL: The strike would embolden Iranian moderates, sir, and earn us goodwill on the Arab Street. Al Jazeera and Helen Thomas would sing our praises. It could get peace talks moving again.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: I can almost see the first line of the Times editorial, sir: “In the wake of unfathomable tragedy, President Obama’s bold action to head off a major conflagration in the Middle East is a clear signal to the region that blah blah blah.”
OBAMA: All righty then! SecDef, the balloon goes up after my golf game with Tiger on Wednesday. Have relief and rescue forces ready to assist Israel immediately following the blast; I want no one saying we don’t help our friends. Hillary, warn Iran afterwards that we’ll regard interference with our humanitarian efforts as unhelpful. Everybody’s friends here.
GIBBS: Oh man. No more questions about “Jobsgate.”
OBAMA: This could mean another Nobel Peace Prize for me. Bob, reach out to Sir Paul and ask him if he’d sing “Imagine” at the ceremony when I accept the award.
HILLARY: Sir, the target city?
OBAMA: Haifa? Beersheba? Leon, what do you think? Tel Aviv?
PANETTA: Um, if you say so, sir, though I advise keeping this close. Where can I reach Mr. Aviv? I don’t see him listed here in my official CIA directory…
OBAMA: Never mind. Ax,, send my double to Louisiana this afternoon to pick up tar balls on some beach. Make sure he looks sharp. Bob, arrange an extra press plane for the trip. Rahm, they got any good golf courses in Israel – uh, yes dear?
MICHELLE (entering): MJ’s here for your one-on-one. Shut him down when he tries to shoot off his dribble. Show him you got game. You hear me, Barack?
COMMENTS
Please let us know if you're having issues with commenting.