DAVID AXELROD: The labor picture threatens our control of Congress, sir. That means key initiatives like gutting Defense, forcing the richest 50% to pay their fair share, and passing an immigration bill with an amnesia rider are on the block in November.
OBAMA: Man, those jobs reports are killin’ us. And everybody knows the 9.5%, 15 million unemployed figures are probably way off. Unfortunately, my new Bureau of Labor Statistics czar won’t be in place to fudge the truth until January.
ROBERT GIBBS: Our media friends can do just so much to downplay conditions, sir.
OBAMA: So, we only have until the October report to drastically reduce unemployment and convince people the economy’s turned the corner. Suggestions? George?
SOROS: Tomorrow I hire vun million community organizees zu spy on neighbors and alert local media to Tea Party aviliation, zir. Und anudder ten tousand tugs vill be contracted to vear Palin 2012 tee shirts ven attacking our candidates and dere fam’lies as dey worship.
OBAMA: Should help a little. Make it so. Gibbsy, inform the networks I want the tape of GOP thuggery aired ASAP. Tim?
GEITHNER: We can create thousands of new construction jobs, sir–union jobs–with a crash program to build an additional half-dozen mints. They’re easily justified, too: we’re running out of greenbacks because we can’t print money fast enough to keep up with your spending.
OBAMA: Ah, Timmy knows I love his confections. Six new mints it is. I want prime-time groundbreakings scheduled for mid- to late September. Marine One will fly me to each after a round of golf at a posh nearby track. Larry?
SUMMERS: In the very near term, sir, we can boost both employment and the money supply by adding third shifts to operating mints.
OBAMA: Smart. Means an immediate need for more engravers, machinists, electricians, maintenance people, so forth. Paper mills and ink producers will increase their hiring, too.
GEITHNER: And the armored cars we use to transport freshly printed bills now–big, heavy gas guzzlers? Junk ’em, sir, and task our expanded GM workforce to build a fleet of solar-powered, bullet-resistant vans.
SUMMERS: Related point, sir: cranking up production of dollars will take time. I suggest we buy some of North Korea’s excellent counterfeit stock to tide us over until the new mints are up and running.
OBAMA: Sounds good. Hillary, work with Tim there. Seal the deal by offering the Troll “one shipload-of-arms-allowed-to-pass-unmolested-to-Iran” card. Joe?
BIDEN: Ya still need more bodies workin’, Boss. Hey Tim, whyncha recall the census people you let go and get an early start on the 2020 count?
OBAMA: Good thinking, Joe. Problem is, everything just proposed will only push the last jobs report before midterms down to about 6%. I want it at 3% or less. So come on, everyone! Suggest something radical.
RAHM EMANUEL: Well, sir, we could cut that 6% rate to zero by hiring all 9 million then officially unemployed to locate and register the 3 million who’ve stopped looking for work.
OBAMA: Interesting. If we get the searchers on board pronto –with excellent salaries and benefits–I can truthfully say the government has created 9 million good jobs.
EMANUEL: It gets better, sir. Once the task force has identified those who’ve given up on working full-time, the Bureau can hire those folks to get detailed information on the country’s 8.5 million underemployed.
OBAMA: What do we do about the underemployed?
EMANUEL: We award them federal grants and tax breaks to start small businesses. We promise that government will be the primary purchaser of their goods and services. Failure is impossible.
OBAMA: Ah, and as those businesses grow, we mandate they hire the people whose work on our two ”search” task forces is complete. Oh, man. The way we’re going, a year from now, we might be dealing with a labor shortage. Hmm. Think of a way we can hold Bush responsible should that happen.
[enter Michelle]
MICHELLE: Versace‘s here to discuss the design of our matching bowling bags. And later, I’m taking the helicopter to get some fresh parsley at Whole Foods. You hear me, Barack?
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