Jeff Zucker Announces New CNN Lineup

Just got a tip I made up from a reliable source who doesn’t exist. 

 CNN’s new fair and balanced schedule:

6pm: You Never Had It So Good with Ashleigh Banfield

7pm:  Embarrassment of Riches with Erin Burnett

8pm:  Champagne Wishes & Caviar Dreams, hosted by Anderson Cooper

9pm:  As of yet untitled new Piers Morgan format which will add  a cooking segment to the show’s popular  tolerated Guns ‘N Kardashians format.  It will also feature an economic news round-up called Everything’s Just Coming Along Splendidly as well as new “living well” lifestyle segments called Pip-Pip! and Huzzah!

10pm:  A show to be announced later.  Little is known about the show, except that it will be called The Best Revenge and focus on all the amazingly positive economic news, such as increased traffic jams and scaled-back w0rking hours (a segment tentatively tiled Me Time).

A source at CNN says the show will constitute a “Seamless Transition” from CNN’s other hosts, by which we mean it wil be hosted by White People, produced by White People, written by White People, and address the concerns of CNN’s most cherished “core demographic” (which, as it turns out, are White People). 

 In addition, the show will feature “outlook” segments like You Still Have Your Health,  It’s Not Just All About Money You Know, and, in a joint production with CNN’s International Bureau, There Are Still People Starving in Africa So Let’s Try to Have Some Perspective Here, Okay?

CNN is tight-lipped about potential hosts, but did drop this tantalizing hint:  “Not Roland Martin.”