FROM: POTUS
TO: All White House Staff, Ms. O.W., Rev. W., Mr. W.A.
CC: MSNBC, NBC, CNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, NPR, COMEDY CENTRAL.
RULE #1:
Beginning this Friday, we are eliminating all references to, either verbally or physically; the notion of ‘problems’ of any sort.
No admittance of, or complaint about, a ‘problem’ whether previous or present shall be verbalized, text-ed, emailed, noted, teleprompted, signed, mimed, smoke signaled, transferred, dreamt about, slept with, interpretively danced, pig called, semaphored, channeled, Morse coded or telepathed in any language known now or that may be discovered or created by men, aliens or Canadians in perpetuity forever and ever, amen.
A positive assessment of any situation however grave must be presented before the American public, and more importantly the greater world at large, on a continuing and ongoing basis. Failure to do this might hurt our chances for GREATER CHANGE AND MEGA HOPE 2012. (Logo to follow after Pepsi suit or royalty is settled.)
RULE #2:
SHOULD IN THE EVENT A PROBLEM (see rule #1) gets through to the press, culpability of any said problem (see rule #1), is to be avoided at all costs. Any possible responsibility for any such problem (see rule #1) shall be immediately supplanted with blame placed on one or more of the following persons or entities:
1. George W. Bush
2. A Republican Cabal
3. Rush Limbaugh
4. Fox News/Sean Hannity
5. Numbers 1 through 4 together
6. Guns
7. Global Warming
8. Global Warming from manufacture of guns
9. Global Warming from Right Wing Cabal Blogs
10. Bad Vibes
11. Walmart
12. Global Warming started by Walmart’s low low prices
13. Need for Fairness Doctrine
14. Lack of Fairness Doctrine / too many conservative talk radio stations, causing Global Warming
15. Big Oil
16. George Bush’s Big Oil
17. George Bush’s Big Oil causing Global Warming
18. Need for another Stimulus, and it being prevented by George Bush
19. Peanut Butter with Salmonella
20. Inheriting George Bush’s Peanut Butter Salmonella problem
21. Katrina
22. Global Warming starting Katrina
23. George Bush rooting for Global Warming to start Katrina
24. Dick Cheney asking Satan to increase Global Warming
25. Lack of George Bush’s ability to reach out to despots
26. George Bush creating the despots
27. Lack of any real despots in the world
28. The “Snuggie”
29. “Snuggie” Company (allegedly) run by gun toting Jack Daniel’s drinking Republicans
30. Big Hollywood’s (alleged) drunken, JD drinking, gun toting, cabal of writers
31. Andrew Breitbart’s ‘Alexander Hamilton’ hairdo
SUPPORTING BEHAVIORS:
Mannerisms, and reactions, as well as light hearted demeanor lend to the air of problem free (see Rule #1) governing.
POTUS, shall include one or more of the following:
1. Late Night talk show appearances.
2. Cracking wise on the Late Night shows with possible edgy material as to deflect from any possible (real) problems (see rule #1).
3. Dressing as casual as possible and bounding down the Air Force One stairs with an extra snappy salute.
4. POTUS clapping hands at himself after POTUS speaks.
Other WH staff may want to develop and practice these behaviors:
1. When asked about a problem (see Rule #1) by an unfriendly reporter, (cc’d parties excluded of course :-) ), deflect away from the question by thanking at length everyone in the room.
2. Pat enemy reporter on the back and tell him or her that you haven’t heard of what they are talking about, but will surely look into it.
3. If enemy reporter is persistent, suggest they ask or look into any of the persons or entities listed above in Rule #2.
4. If still unsatisfied, suggest the reporter is part of the Republican cabal and may be drunk.
Thank you for your attention to this matter and remember 2012 GREATER CHANGE AND MEGA HOPE 2012 work starts now!
Special shout out to K.O. and C.M from MSNBC. (Authors of Rule #2) Excellent work guys.
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