Last week I unveiled my plan to settle radical Islamic jihadists — or “Syrian refugees,” as the mainstream media likes to call them — in special facilities located in the heart of upper-class liberal enclaves, such as Rachel Maddow’s back yard.
This audacious, brilliant, inspired and humane plan, to be crowdfunded under the name Milo’s Home for Wayward Jihadis, was met warmly throughout the internet, with many pledging to back the project when it reaches the funding stage.
One of the kinks we had to work out is what our jihadis should do with themselves once settled. After all, cleaning and oiling a Kalashnikov takes a mere eleven minutes, and harassing the local populace to the point they are afraid to enter the neighborhood is a hobby, not a career choice. Likewise the rape of local schoolchildren and stealing from corner shops.
Where in the west could we possibly find an appropriate workplace for these otiose thugs? One which values oppressive fanaticism, does not tolerate speech outside of specific and carefully-groomed lines of thought and which relies on intimidation to prevent the spread of illicit ideas?
Well it’s a lot easier question than you think. We will plonk them down in the gender, racial equality, and diversity offices on university campuses.
If you think about it, the similarities between these two groups are stunning. Both like to communicate by shrilly screaming the same thing over and over, with no thought behind the words. Whether it’s “Black Lives Matter!” or “Allahu Akbar!” both groups have a fondness for yelling mindless slogans while committing acts of violence and larceny.
Both believe in turning back hundreds of years of social progress; campus diversity goons to avoid “offending” anyone, and the jihadists for… whatever religious grounds they are claiming this week justifies acid in young girls’ faces or the hanging of homosexuals. Both accomplish their goals by creating a culture of fear in which raising one’s voice can result in expulsion, charges in a kangaroo court, or worse.
Jihadists are the only people outside of the radical feminist coven who agree that a global invisible patriarchy is holding women down. Sure, they differ on whether that is a bad thing, but mutual belief is a start isn’t it? (And besides, modern feminism is so totally insane there’s good reason to think it is solidifying male power by alienating ordinary women from the cause.)
They also fully buy into the idea of rape culture, which feminists are finding it harder and harder to sell in the West. Theres a bit of disagreement on the negativity of this topic, too, but I doubt the feminists will complain as each campus becomes a miniature Sweden in terms of rape statistics. And besides, you’ll note with interest how silent the progressive left is about “rape cultures” anywhere outside of America and Europe. Not all women are considered equal, apparently.
The synergies don’t end there! Campus lefties are keen to attack Israel whenever they can, typically in the form of disinvestment campaigns. Their new jihadist coworkers will be right with them, even if they think these efforts are a bit milquetoast. When lefties want to organize anti-Israel demonstrations on campus, they will have no problem raising a crowd; these guys are tech wizards when it comes to pulling the troops together via social media.
After all, feminism and Islamism are the two most well-organised and enthusiastic users of social media — yet another thing they have in common, along with hating female sexuality so much that they want women to cover up. You’ll notice that the two groups who complain about glamourised female nudity are “body positive” feminists and Muslims. Both want attractive women to cover up.
There are other benefits to bringing the boys from ISIS and al-Qaeda to higher learning. What could be a bigger blow to western colonialism, patriarchy, and Judeo-Christian values than ripping down a few university buildings in favour of minarets? Diversity officers everywhere will be rubbing their hands with glee.
And think about university administrator’s eyes lighting up as they begin to imagine windfall profits from selling prayer rugs with their sport’s team logos on them. Now students and alumni can say “Go Yale Bulldogs!” as they orient their rug to Mecca.
Of course there will be some sticking points as we integrate the next generation of diversity staff. Some womyn might not be happy when the vegan staff kitchen becomes a halal slaughtering ground with goats and sheep wandering around, bleeding slowly to death.
And women may be disheartened when they learn that any workplace grievances will be judged under sharia law, in which the testimony of a woman is worth half of a man’s. They might also not want to bring their school-aged daughters to work with them.
But I firmly believe most of these problems will be quickly resolved. The diversity and gender warriors on campus will be far too scared of being branded racist or “islamophobic” to take action against this dazzlingly exciting new culture — and in any case, they’ve already made it clear that they are choosing Muslims over women and gays in the Oppression Wars.
I reckon they’ll get along just fine. After all — I wonder if anyone else has noticed this? — so many of the campus crazies already pushing absurd myths about white patriarchy are Muslims already. Bahar Mustafa at Goldsmith’s in London, for instance, or Ananna Zaman at York. Trailblazers, if you ask me.