'Excerpts' Of President Barack Obama's Campaign Speech For Terry McAuliffe 11/3/13

Editor’s note: the following is a parody speech and not authored by President Barack Obama.

President Obama Joins Virginia Gubernatorial Candidate Terry McAuliffe For Celebration Of The Affordable Care Act

WASHINGTON – Today, just over a month since the Administration launched HealthCare.gov, President Obama joined Virginia Gubernatorial Candidate Terry McAuliffe for a campaign event in Arlington, Virginia.  McAuliffe, a former chairman of the Democratic National Committee, is a friend of the President’s and a long-time supporter of his legislative priorities, including the Affordable Care Act. 
Excerpts From Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Hello Virginia!
Are you all fired up or what!  Let me hear you!
Now, I know you’re fired up for me, but I’m talking about my good friend, Terry McAuliffe.  Let’s hear it for Terry!
I’m here today because Terry has always had my back–alright maybe not in 2008–but ever since then.  He’s been a vocal supporter for our legislative priorities, especially the Affordable Care Act.  Terry even wanted the public option and was just as disappointed as I was when that didn’t work out.
You all know that Republicans like Ken Cuccinelli are doing everything possible to stop the law.  They are grossly misleading the public, saying I wasn’t honest with you all when I said if you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.
Can you believe that?
Sure I said that–but you all know what I meant!  I meant most of you all!  It’s not like I prefaced it with “read my lips” or anything.
Look, no one is more upset than I am with how this rollout has gone, but Rome wasn’t built in one day.  Sure I would have liked to see more than six people sign up on the first day, but change is never supposed to be easy. It doesn’t happen overnight, heck, it doesn’t happen in five years either.
Fortunately, I’m going to have a partner in Terry McAuliffe right here in Virginia when it comes to ObamaCare!  Terry has made clear that he’s relying on the law–through Medicaid expansion– to pay for his platform and I’m glad to hear that. 
And in fact, I’ve been reading that Terry’s stumbled onto something interesting…profiting on the death of others.  You know the old saying…there are two things that are certain: death and taxes.  I’ve got to hand it to Terry, not even ObamaCare’s death panels were able to accomplish that.    
If there’s one thing Terry and I have in common, it’s a lifelong love of big-government policies.
But that’s not the only thing we have in common.
Terry and I are both authors.  When Terry started writing his memoir, he called me for advice.  He had read Dreams of My Father and The Audacity of Hope, and wanted to get my two cents.  My advice to him was simple: speak from the heart, let people get a sense of who the real Terry McAuliffe is, and most of all, don’t hold anything back.  I was pleased when I saw that Terry took my advice.
Before we took the stage today, Terry told me he knew exactly what I meant when I said “if you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that.”  He’s got that car company down in Mississippi and they’re not building cars and that pellet company down in Franklin that doesn’t make any pellets.  Nobody’s working harder than Terry McAuliffe to prove that people in business didn’t build anything!
Ah come on Terry, you know I love you!
Hillary may be likeable enough, but I just love Terry McAuliffe – no matter what he told Jon Stewart.
All of you Democrats here in Northern Virginia need to make sure you vote, because there’s a lot of folks out there in the rest of Virginia still clinging to their guns and religion and those folks are going to vote.
You know, unlike my last opponent, Terry McAuliffe can actually prove he’s created 100,000 jobs…oh wait…he can’t prove it…I mean, unlike my last opponent, everyone’s giving Terry McAuliffe a pass on his claim to have created 100,000 jobs.

And I also want to give a big shout out to The Washington Post. After relentlessly tormenting my opponent about releasing his tax returns last year, they’ve done Terry McAuliffe quite the favor by not demanding the same of him.
Tomorrow, some of you will hear from Vice President Biden… Uncle Joe as we like to call him in the West Wing.  With any luck, he’ll talk about binders…binders full of Chinese investors…binders full of Chinese investors that my friend Terry and his company successfully duped for millions.
Way to go man…that’s quite an economic feat as opposed to owing them trillions.
And finally, I want to clear one thing up and let everyone know that I’m not the least bit concerned about the DHS and SEC investigations that involve Terry McAuliffe.  From my staff in the White House, to the folks in the Vice President’s office, to the folks at DHS – my administration has gone above and beyond to help McAuliffe’s GreenTech and I’m not about to let a couple federal probes by my own administration dampen my support for Terry.  If there’s a problem, I’m sure we’ll hear about it after Election Day, but for now, it’s time to focus on more important stuff.
Virginians should always know, they can count on Terry McAuliffe!  Whether its 3 AM or some other time, he’ll likely be playing cards with my friend Bill enjoying each other’s company in doses.