So tonight`s show is Red Eye`s 600th.
And that’s kind of amazing. I`ve never done 600 of anything – and that includes reverse tricep curls (which I invented, by the by). But from the day we began, on February 5th, 2007 to tonight -we`ve witnessed some pretty amazing events. And thankfully, Red Eye was there to cover them – when no one else would.
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I mean, who can forget the dog that barked like a cat? It was the story Katie Couric wouldn`t touch – but we were there – covering the dog that barked like a cat.
And what of our in-depth coverage of John McCain`s election sweaters? While everyone else focused on irrelevant issues, we asked the tough questions about those ugly sweaters.
Hell, while people chose to examine Barack Obama’s qualifications, we were the first show to reveal startling photos of an octopus that could open beer bottles with its tentacles. You tell me: what`s more important, now?
And then there was the man who had sex with a table. And the man who had sex with a car. And the man who had sex with balloons. Whenever a man was having sex with an inanimate object, Red Eye was there to bear witness. And sometimes take pictures.
And who can forget the nude car thief, the nude ice skater, and the nude rambler? When it came to stories about nude people doing things nude, Red Eye was the go-to source. If there were a Pulitzer for the perverse, we would have won that trophy. And ended up in the ER, trying to get it removed.
Of course, we covered bigger stories, and at times we were way ahead of the pack – the piece on the German underwear thief springs to mind – but I prefer that Red Eye not take itself too seriously on this momentous occasion. Instead, I would rather salute all our amazing fans, who stood by this unusual little show – when everyone else just stared at it, confused – or ran screaming.
You deserve the congratulations – not us.
And if you disagree with me, you`re probably a racist Nazi who`s worse than Hitler.