Inside The Hillary War Room: 'It's My Party!'

The following is a transcript of audio recorded in the secret underground lair of Sec. of State Hillary Clinton. Due to the seditious nature of the conversation between Ms. Clinton and several top Democratic strategists, many Bothans died to give us this information.

HILLARY: I announce next week. What’s my rationale for opposing Obama while hedging my bets and remaining Secretary of Stasis?

HOWARD WOLFSON: No rationale is necessary, Excellency. This is about a woman’s right to choose.

HILLARY: Correct. The decision to contend is between me and my spin doctor.

PAUL BEGALA: You’ll alienate the black vote if you attack Obama, Mistress.

HILLARY: How do I campaign without criticizing him?

ANN LEWIS: Go positive, your Majesty. Commend his Muslim roots, his readiness to nuke Pakistan if he’s disrespected, his “Buy American” initiative encouraging drug cartels to shop here for their arms needs. You’ll appear generous while planting doubts.

HILLARY: Wonderful! He rejects my “compliments,” he looks petty. Serpenthead?

JAMES CARVILLE: Exalted One, reach out to our loyal media familiars to push this meme — under Obama, the poor may be obese and own iPads and SUVs, but their children are still going to bed hungry.

HILLARY: Works for me. Debbie?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Announce that on Day One of your administration, you’ll pardon Obama for any malfeasance he committed as President, Highness. Waive the standard contribution to your library.

HILLARY: How magnanimous of me! Oh, everyone, Reverend Al has had enough of The One and is joining our team.

SHARPTON: As the inimical Popeye might say, resist we musk, or the foul ordure of the Obama regime will Kaiser Permeate the very fabric of our national travesty the Geek Fakes are weaving as we speak.

[stunned silence]

HILLARY: Jesse Jackson couldn’t have expressed the thought any more plainly, Al. For the time being, you can help us most by remaining publicly committed to the President’s reelection. Uh, Ann?

LEWIS: Invite Reverend Wright to offer the benediction at your fundraiser in Scranton next month, M’Lady. Then blast him and his venomous anti-Americanism. Show voters that Obama may be unwilling to stand up to Wright, but you’re not.

HILLARY: Hijacking his Sister Souljah moment. I like it! Now, everyone, as you know, George has switched sides, and I’m sure you’re wondering why. I’ll let him tell you.

SOROS: Obama iss veak horse, Eminence. You, you are strong horse, haf big haunches, hams like–

HILLARY: We get it, George. You have suggestions?

SOROS: For Pennsylvahnee primary, I fund new pro-Obama 527–“Citizens for Confiscation uff Guns.”

HILLARY: Perfect! Here’s the group’s tag line: ”Obama. Our only hope to repeal the Second Amendment.”

SOROS: Und I offer gas coupons to Democrats in primary states you vin. Ve make billion bumper stickers: “Hillary rule, free tank of fuel.”

HILLARY: Marvelous! Axelrod will scream bloody murder, but as Putin said when the Ukraine complained about Russian intimidation, “Crimea River.” Moving on, how do we neutralize Oprah? Mr. Clean?

CARVILLE: My grandma would cut off the ends, sprinkle salt over the slices, put ’em in a pan with possum innards, then–

HILLARY: Oprah, not okra. Debbie?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Ask Research and Destruction to supply the Enquirer with Photoshopped images of Perry and Oprah hunting together at his Texas camp.

HILLARY: Good idea. But forget the Enquirer; they have standards. The Washington Post will run them without asking questions.

ANN LEWIS: Exalted One, you must propose something substantive about what you’ll actually do as President.

HILLARY: Hmm. I’ll promise to rid the planet of war, disease, and famine, but I won’t tell how. . . until I’m elected. Advise the media I want a 30 second spot depicting a Road Warrior world if I lose.

BILL CLINTON: Honey, we got to make you look like ordinary people, not some ice queen who–

HILLARY: Shaddup, Bill.

BILL CLINTON: Yes’m.

HILLARY: He’s right, though. What can I do to seem like… like one of them?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Appear on a trash TV talk show, Sensei. Discuss your marriage frankly, and disclose affairs with unnamed males in your Secret Service detail. The Agency can’t comment. In one stroke you’ll squash some ugly rumors and thrill millions of women who’ve waited for tit for tat since Monica.

HILLARY: Inspired! Wolfson, book me, Bill, Lewinsky, and Paula Jones on Springer for a throwdown. Make sure the set has plenty of lamps near at hand for hurling. Now, how about exhibiting my soft side?

ANN LEWIS: Pledge to adopt infants representing every ethnic and racial group in the world, your Grace.

HILLARY: Oh, the humanity! We’ll house them in the renamed ”Eisenhower Executive Orphanage Building.” I’ll be the model for working mothers everywhere who want it all.

BEGALA: Out of the box, you’ll need some encouraging poll numbers, my Queen. I’ll task Gallup to run one with this question: “Given President Obama’s incompetence, narcissism, and arrogance, will you be more likely or less likely to vote for him?”

HILLARY: Good. Any other ideas??

SANDY BERGER: I’ll sneak into Obama reelection headquarters and stuff a copy of his campaign plan down my jockeys, your Magnitude. If his people catch me and ask what’s in my pants, I’ll just say I’m glad to see them.

BILL: Good ‘un, San–

HILLARY: Shaddup, Bill. Who let Berger in here?

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