It is such a high, blessed relief to finally get to the bottom of the most pressing issue here in this age of $17 trillion U.S. debt, barbaric animals burning humans alive in cages, the systematic rounding up, rape and mutilation of young girls around the world and all these inconvenient blizzards and bone-chilling winds blowing giant holes in our faith in the newly founded Church of Global Warming.
And, no, I am not talking about learning where newsreader Jon Stewart will next deploy his smug pseudohumor.
Nor am I talking about what possibly was preoccupying Bruce Jenner when he slammed his Cadillac Escalade into a vehicle that had stopped in front of him last month. Though, in all seriousness, is it ironic or entirely predictable that the first thing that happens to Bruce Jenner after announcing he has become a woman is that he loses his ability to drive? It’s just a question.
No, the great revelation that we should all be so grateful that the national media got to the bottom of this week is: What on earth does Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker think about evolution? Like all of you, I have been wondering this for years. Because, really, in these pressing times, what could be more important to know about a guy than what he thinks about evolution?
If we rounded up all the felonious kleptocrats who have rung up $17 trillion in debt — $7 trillion under this current president alone — and put it on the credit card of you and me and all our grandchildren for the next two centuries, if we had them right there in front of us, in shackles, blindfolded and waiting to be stuffed into prison stripes to hit the chain gang picking up litter on the side of the highway, I would have just one question. I would say: Do you believe in evolution?
Or, if we could round up a bunch of these savages raping girls in North Africa and burning men alive in cages, I would not want to waterboard them. I would just like to know if they believe in evolution. Same goes for all the young sophisticates and journalists with zero expertise in meteorology or science but who nonetheless pledge their unshakable faith to the Church of Global Warming.
Similarly, I can think of no question that better peels back the layers of leadership when it comes to picking our next president.
Twelve million illegals are presently living illegally and working illegally in the United States, sir. What is your position on evolution?
A seething cauldron of hatred is boiling over in the Middle East, threatening one of our most important allies and hellbent on destroying America, madam. So, what do you think of evolution?
Iran is fast building a nuclear bomb. So, you know, what do you think about evolution?
We have no money left. The Chinese own us. The only reason they don’t kill us is because we owe them so much money that it would simply be a bad business decision to eliminate us. Please share with us your views on evolution.
Really, this explains so much. For example, it explains all those colorful plastic bracelets everybody wears that say WWCDD: “What Would Charles Darwin Do?”
My question is, then, why is it that reporters only ask Republicans questions about Darwinism? I mean, why don’t they ask President Obama if he believes in Darwinism? Does he believe in natural selection? Or does he believe some force larger than nature should take from the strong and give to the weak?
Does he believe that allowing your mortal enemy to obtain a weapon of mass destruction amounts to suicide? Does he understand that such a tendency ensures that you and your lineage will be eliminated, along with the entire civilized world?
Does President Obama believe in the survival of the fittest?
I mean, after all, the president’s entire political philosophy has been erected as a rickety obstruction to any notion of genuine success and failure as a result of natural selection.
But you know who does believe in the natural survival of the fittest? The very enemies who burn humans in cages, rape girls and wish to annihilate America. I just wish we had a president who understood all of this.
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and on Twitter at @charleshurt.