Finally, the recognition I deserve. I’m delighted to share with readers that I’ve just been appointed the first visiting professor of Men’s Studies at Oberlin College.
That really would be news, because Ohio’s Oberlin wouldn’t touch this programme with the 10 metre pole Germany uses to remind Greece about its loan repayments. It is doubtful in fact that any western university, so enamoured are they all with left-wing identity politics, would set up a Men’s Studies department, however badly needed.
But, through a stroke of cosmic luck, there is a willing educational establishment that shares the name Oberlin outside the village of Ameryka in Poland. Isn’t it ironic that we have to look to the former Soviet Bloc countries for anything resembling open and free education?
And I’ve been honoured by the lesser-known Oberlinksi College, established, according to legend, by the great educationalist Czesław Benedykt Oberlinski, and charged with devising a Men’s Studies syllabus.
Because modern women have spent their educations learning to complain about men, they have not spent any time learning how to replicate men’s successes. This is known, to those among you who spent your undergrads reading “bell” “hooks” instead of Friedrich Hayek, as “opportunity cost.”
The introduction of Men’s Studies will eliminate this injustice and promote a healthier and more prosperous worldview among female college populations. It’s my hope that eventually the course will become compulsory and sit alongside consent classes (a.k.a. “Hi, You’re All Rapists 101”) as a mandatory requirement for matriculation.
Western college campuses are suffering to a degree not seen since the biblical plagues of Egypt. Some of the comparisons are striking: feminists turning rivers red with blood through free bleeding, for instance.
Over at Brandeis, it’s said that the angel of death feminism claims firstborn male freshman from each dorm room on a false rape charge, unless the doorway is marked with an American Express statement or something as equally incomprehensible and terrifying to a Marxist.
But of all the plagues on Egypt, the one that can most aptly be compared to today’s landscape is the plague of locusts, which devastated Egypt’s farming economy. On the modern campus, the locusts are represented by hordes of unemployable women’s studies zealots.
These misguided youths spent upwards of $60,000 of daddy’s money (or, worse yet, taxpayer-funded student loans) earning a degree that only qualifies them to… teach women’s studies. Or perhaps blog for Gawker.
That figure assumes they stopped with an undergrad degree: many seem to need postgraduate studies to fully internalise the idea that white men and capitalism are to blame for all the world’s woes.
I hope my new Men’s Studies course, which I will be open sourcing so it’s available to other educators, will go some way to restoring sanity to western educational standards.
It seems imperative that we limit our losses to a single generation obsessed with finding and defeating patriarchy with the zeal of a Hollywood actress searching for an African baby to adopt. Therefore, like a modern day Moses, I am parting the sea of red hair dye to re-present the modest idea that our universities start teaching courses about men, the architects, imagineers and engineers of our civilisation.
So it gives me great pride to announce our pilot programme in Men’s Studies for the 2016 academic year, designed in conjunction with Oberlin’s brand-new campus, tentatively named “The Vladimir Putin Global Centre for Masculine Awesomeness.”
The Putin Centre for Men’s Studies will have two primary branches of study. The first is the Ayn Rand degree in men’s economic discipline. This course of study is designed to help students answer key questions facing the competitive business landscape by studying the most successful businessmen in history, and determining what made them successful.
Our students may not have the engineering gifts of Steve Wozniak or the marketing brilliance of Steve Jobs, but we know that by studying the lives of these titans, students will be able to apply this knowledge to their own future endeavours. Can a radical feminist women’s studies lecturer say the same about her classes with a straight face?
As you might expect, on the first day of class, the illegitimate and oppressive myth of the “gender pay gap” will be symbolically burned on a campfire, the manliest bonding activity we can think of.
The second course is the Nikola Tesla degree in men’s innovation studies. This course of study celebrates the discoveries and inventions of men, while simultaneously seeking to encourage an atmosphere conducive to great advancements in the future. Suffice it to say that Tim Hunt and other Nobel laureates will not get kicked out of our labs for innocent jokes.
In fact, ribaldry is warmly encouraged.
Here is a short list of male inventions we intend to cover, which is in no way intended to be exhaustive: the aerosol can, air conditioning, aeroplanes, alphabet, aspartame, aspirin, the assembly line, astrolabe, automobile, ball bearing ,bar code, barometer, battery, beer, bicycle, bifocal lens, the bikini, bombs, bread (Sliced), buttons, calculus, calendars, camera, candle, cards (playing), chocolate, the compact disc (CD), computer, condom, cotton gin, credit card, doughnut, dynamite, electric chair, electronic mail, elevator, engine, escalator, fibre optics, film, flashlight, glass, guitar, gunpowder, helicopter, ink, integrated circuit, Internet, jeans, laser, light bulb, lock and key, locomotive, microphone, microwave oven, mirror, money, motorcycle, nails, neon lighting, nuclear reactor, paper, pasteurisation, pencil, periodic table, petroleum jelly, photography, ploughs, Post-it notes, potato chips, Prozac, radar, radio, razor, refrigerator, remote control (TV), revolver, Richter scale, roller coaster, saddle, safety pins, satellites, Scotch tape, shoelaces, silicone, skyscrapers, slot machine, soap, stamps, steel, stock ticker, submarines, sunglasses, tank (military), tea bag, telephone (mobile), television, toilet, typewriter, vaccination, Velcro, Viagra, video games, the wheel, wine, and last but certainly not least, zippers.