Kyrie Eleison: How I Turned Glenn Beck Into A Social Justice Warrior

Image: Jeremie Lederman
Image: Jeremie Lederman

Glenn Beck, a political commentator and likely future Ted Cruz running mate who now devotes his time to hyperbolic attacks on Donald Trump and emotionally incontinent pleas to Christian voters, has used the Easter weekend to attack The God-Emperor… and me.

In a post on his Facebook page dripping with self-righteousness, the former FOX presenter laid into my recent article defending Trump’s tweets about Heidi Cruz. Using touchy-feely purple prose eerily similar to the sort of thing you’d read at, Beck condemns my appreciation for Trump’s crassness, arguing that “when we hurt each other, we should step back and recognise it.”

He even accuses me of adopting the same kind of “ends justify the means” attitude that “led Hillary to abandon men in Bengazi.” (If Glenn cares so much about the victims of Benghazi, you’d think he would at least spell it properly.)

Beck acknowledges his own role in “escalating” the presidential campaign “far beyond the impolite” and playing a role in the “disharmony of our nation,” but stops short of the ultimate truth — that the weak, ineffectual conservative establishment, with their utter inability to defeat the left on cultural issues, has made Donald Trump a necessary, even vital force in American politics.

Sources at The Blaze have yet to confirm whether or not Beck’s studio has been fitted with a safe space for the host to retreat to whenever he’s too triggered. I’m dreadfully sorry to have hurt poor Glenn’s feelings like this, really I am. I never meant for him to retreat into the kind of language rarely seen outside the most radically wacky progressive left blogs. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!

Typically for Beck, his Facebook post is riddled with comically flatulent appeals to Christian values. Beck asks for “forgiveness” and urges his followers to “bind the wounds of this nation and go no further down the road of hatred and division. It is the message of Easter. Start again. Start over with a humble heart.”

Hold up a second. Beck is capitalizing on Easter to push a holier-than-thou attack on me and Donald Trump. Far be it for a homosexual provocateur to pass judgement on moral virtue, but I don’t recall Jesus telling the faithful to latch on to religious festivals whenever they have political points to score. Sorry, no offense, but it’s true — a philosophy I share with the Good Book, by the way.

Glenn Beck has form on this. He recently said that “no real Christian” would vote for Donald Trump and that Ted Cruz is “anointed for this time.” It’s hard to think of someone who’s more shamelessly used Christianity to give his personal political beliefs the aura of righteousness – except Cruz himself, of course.

It’s not in my nature to be cynical, but if I were, I might suspect he uses this aura of piety to conceal outrageous accusations behind the mask of Christian gentleness.

I mean, I get it. Beck knows he has evangelical fans. But what he doesn’t realise is that they like him for the same reason they like NASCAR: they’re watching with craned necks for the next high-speed disaster, complete with smoke, flames and burning tyres flying into the crowd.

I also can’t shake the suspicion that Beck is a bit envious of the billionaire. After all, until Trump entered the market, Beck was the most popular conservative media personality that people secretly referred to as a dirty pinko. Beck knows The Donald would kick his missionary ass — unlike, say, Michael Moore, whom Beck has sort of threatened to kill.

Eager churchgoer Beck has threatened to kill Donald Trump too, of course — although he later claimed he was talking about his own co-host. I mean, who even knows at this point.

Sticking with a Christian theme, Beck seems to believe that the Republican Party, crucified twice at the ballot box, will somehow rise again if only enough people vote for a candidate the Establishment wants. There’s a word for people who keep repeating the same thing, expecting a different outcome, isn’t there?

If there’s something that needs resurrection, it might be Glenn Beck’s own career. His declining power to influence isn’t being helped by the new plaintive schoolgirl routine he is wrapping his fire and brimstone predictions (and occasional death threats) in. In short, like many on the right, Glenn Beck has lost his mind over Donald Trump.

I’m no expert, but I reckon massive flame-outs over dissenting political opinions might have something to do with it as well. Talk about adopting the strategies of your opponents! As I say, I don’t know quite what it was that I said to prompt Beck to retreat into social justice-speak, but whatever it was I’m obviously very, very sorry.

You know, I’m starting to wonder if Glenn Beck’s Facebook page is really a parody account. How else to explain this Facebook post in which he denounces Ann Coulter and Corey Lewandowski for mistakenly tweeting a parody news story about a Sanders voter getting paid to protest Trump?

He accuses them of “intentionally post[ing] totally made up stories” that “dump poison in the country’s bloodstream” at a time of “conspiracy and distrust.” Ahem! Is this the same Glenn Beck who has been screaming “Brownshirts” and posting fake Trump tweets and waving around Hitler ballots on CNN?

Sassy, effective conservatives who used to regularly skewer progressives with lethal efficiency have turned their rhetoric to their own side. Only this time, because they’re fighting “His Supreme Gloriousness Mr Trump,” they have to use the weapons of the enemy: shaming people for using the wrong language, wild attacks on character and motivation instead of addressing arguments, and emotion-laden rhetoric.

If only Glenn could set aside his Book of Mormon for a second and go back to the New Testament we “real Christians” are supposed to be reading at Easter, he might find Matthew 7:5 instructive: “First cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

And they wonder why Republican voters are flocking to Daddy.

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