Why I Will Only Sit on Straight White Male Panels from Now On

My kind of panel line-up
My kind of panel line-up

As I sit here on a private beach, tended to by lithe young Nubian wait staff outside my luxury apartment complex on the island of Malta, I have come to a stunning realisation. The primary victim of the third-wave feminist matriarchy is… me!

Now look, I know what you’re thinking. There are so many men who have suffered worse than I have. Maybe the two geeks who lost their jobs for making a nerdy dongle joke at a tech conference. Perhaps you are thinking of outstanding college applicants in California that score at the top of their classes but have the misfortune of being born both male and — alas! — East Asian.

I do agree. These guys have it tough. But I’m afraid I have it worse, because as part of my job I have to talk to feminists on a regular basis, frequently in front of a camera, to defend you lot against their inane nonsense on national television. You can hardly imagine the toll this takes on my psyche, my beautiful skin and nails, and of course my hair.

Panel shows, debates, interviews with multiple guests… no matter what the format is, the media goes to any length necessary to create what they consider “balance.” I put the term in quotes because little if any attention is paid to the actual beliefs, knowledge and presentation skills of potential invitees, as opposed to their gender, race, sexual orientation, and whatever other special designation was introduced this week.

The results of this diversity effort, as in other efforts like getting girls into STEM subjects, is mixed at best and counterproductive at worst. In my case, the results are interlocutors who are woefully unprepared, panelists that try to turn a discussion titled “Has Britain Become Hostile to Blokes?” into a forum on women’s issues (the best bit starts at 10:30… trust me) or morons who accuse men of internet harassment after they are soundly defeated on Sky News.

Looking up these clips to share with you from the relaxed comfort of my personal space space, which is stocked with beluga caviar, nuclear-grade narcotics and handsome orderlies, brought back many fond memories. I think now is a good time for you to watch this video of my fans’ favourite Milo moments, which at the time of writing has 177,000 views on YouTube. Go ahead, I’ll be right here. 

Now that we’ve established how hard it is to be me, I want to be clear how I will fight the measureless microaggressions of the matriarchy. I shall not beg for donations on Patreon or any other platform. I shall not attempt to trick the youth of the west to waste their parent’s money on a Gender Studies degree, although I think some men’s studies classes are a good idea.

Instead I will focus on direct personal action. Let the feminists keep their Tumblr slacktivism. I pledge from this point forward I will only appear on panels comprised entirely of men. This will ensure a discussion based in fact and logic, and hopefully provide me with more formidable opponents.

This prohibition is especially pertinent for tech industry events, where I will now refuse to take a conference stage unless the panel is entirely straight, white and male. I’ve had enough of diversity quotas, which only produce idiots and a terrible experience for the audience. Look, it’s not my fault meritocracy always seems to produce male winners

You can consider my new position as a heroic stance against the fact-free feminist loons and whingebag progressive diversity campaigners who say that no discussion about artificial intelligence or virtual reality can possibly be worthwhile or interesting unless it’s chaired by a transgender Iranian Muslim with a wooden leg.

I will allow male feminists to be included, if one can be found with the balls to debate in public instead of blocking me on Twitter and purchasing a celebratory latte.

I make one caveat to my stance; I don’t mind debating a nice butch lesbian, who can be just as logical as men and are even more violent than we are. There’s just one problem. I’m building a reputation for getting banned from debates with lesbians for being “dangerous.” Just another example of female privilege unchecked.

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