The Conservative Father’s Guide To Cutting Off Activist Children


Lunacy is spreading across American campuses. Students spend more time agitating than they do learning. But where’s it all coming from?

One can’t help but notice that campus protesters seem to have a lot of money. Mizzou’s poor, oppressed hunger striker comes from a family worth $20 million. Given that liberals have no money, there’s only one, uncomfortable answer. Conservative dads, it’s time we had a talk.

Like any aspirational American, you probably wanted the best for your kids. Naturally, that means they’re all in Ivy League universities. But judging by their behaviour, I think it’s time for some good old conservative tough love. Yes, it’s time to cut off the paychecks.  

Don’t feel bad. Remember, as a conservative, a cis male dad with (gasp!) a job, you’re actually part of the problem to your overly-coddled offspring. Your daddy warbucks are triggering these poor little snowflakes, who feel guilty about all the white male oppression their bloodlines are linked to. Really, by cutting off funding, you’d just be boosting their progressive street cred.

Until they’re forced to earn money for themselves and become well-adjusted, responsible adults, of course. But that comes later. Really, progressive students, by giving this advice to your successful, patriarchal fathers, I’m just looking out for you. You don’t want the corrupting, capitalist influence of all that money, do you?

After all, according to your course reading material, it’s little more than the undeserved gains of white male American privilege. You don’t want anything to do with that, surely?

So without any further ado, here are 7 ways to help conservative dads cut the cord. Just follow these steps, and your coddled progressive offspring will be able to fly the nest, completely free from the evil, patriarchal influence of Daddy’s dosh.

1) Cancel all credit cards

Warning your children that you’ve done this would be a microaggression, and it would also rob you of the frantic post-dinner call where they demand you pay for their friends’ Applebees meals or you’re a fascist, probably. Ask them to put the restaraunt on, then let them know your child is a budding worker, and they know how to wash dishes. Then hang up.

2) Retrieve the car, or transfer all costs to the student

Remember, cars are a tool for the uber-rich to flaunt their car-havery over everyone. So if the car is in your name, and paid for, it’s best to just go retrieve your evil, patriarchal property so that it won’t oppress them anymore. Don’t forget to transfer any bills for payments and insurance to the students, along with any gas cards or AAA memberships.

Really it’s a privilege that they get their tires fixed before women and people of color anyway. There’s bound to be someone in the progressive stack who deserves that jumpstart more than them, at least according to their own bonkers ideology. True socialism means no help with car, gas or insurance.

3) Stop paying tuition

Remember, it’s unfair of you to give your child a special start by paying for their schooling. That’s privilege. Beyond the pleasure you’ll get when your child goes begging a bank for cash, you’ll feel safe in knowing you did your part to even his or her odds with the rest of society in the best traditions of egalitarianism. Remind them, though, that they’ll want to get a nice-sized loan, because daddy’s also cutting off…

4)  Books

Remember that textbooks cost hundreds of dollars, because they’re all written by old, rich, straight white men. Students will want to find a friend who’s patriarchy-compromised so they can share textbooks.

Remember, dear student, you wanted to get rid of privilege, so start with number one. It’s so much more spiritually cleansing to read bell hooks and Karl Marx when you haven’t obtained them through structural oppression.

Fight the power… after you spend your own money preparing yourself for that fight, obviously. You’ll want to call all your friends to tell them how responsible you feel, though that might be difficult considering your conservative dads are also going to…

5) Cut off the cell phone

Did you know many oppressed people without awesome dads can’t even afford a phone? So make sure you turn your kid’s phone off, along with some great deals at local cell phone companies they can look over (to decide which one they can afford on their new Patreon budget.)

A word of advice for the kids: remember not to use too much data when you’re tweeting to #BlackLivesMatter. Data isn’t cheap and you’ll want to steward it carefully now that the patriarchy isn’t sponsoring your radical staycation.

You’ll also want to minimise photos, videos and GIFs. Stick to tweets about how unfair it is nobody gives you free money to tell people to take your daddy’s money away. Plus, when the revolution comes, daddy won’t have the money to pay for you, obviously, because he needs to save it to be redistributed to the oppressed people… and a tent because they will also be cutting off …

6) Room and board 

Sure, you might thinking, I can pay tuition, but room and board?!! DADDY, HELP! Well, don’t worry, there are numerous social workers around to help you find a homeless shelter to stay at. Also, remember that underpasses are a great way to protect you from the chill winds of a cold, capitalist world… you know, until the revolution happens and the proletariat takes everything from your father.

Until that happens, you’ll be thrilled to know you didn’t take one dime of support from the patriarchy as you fight over trashcan scraps holding a plastic knife for self-defence. Until then, obviously, you’re 100% on your own because…

7) Even after college, remember to keep the evil, heteropatriarchial tap turned off

Let them know when they’re done with studies that since they’ve got their super-useful Gender Studies qualification it is up to them on their own power to find a job. Since your little angels got a totally real degree that’s totally worth money in the real world, finding a job in underwater basket-weaving ought to be a piece of cake.

It would have obviously been oppressive to let them know they won’t be able to find a job with the education they’re spending your money on. They’ve got a great degree, per them, that will help them make money that they will of course immediately remit to those with less privilege. So yes, that means no returning home to their own room, in patriarchy central. (Otherwise known as: Daddy’s house.)

So there you go, conservative dads. Your children are counting on you to help them become better socialists, completely untethered to their privilege. It’s time to do better, to be better for your children, and help them get what they’re asking for: a complete divorce from straight white male hegemony. They may kick and scream and beg… and throw tantrums and yell and cry… and complain and call you a shitlord and tell you they won’t love you until you fix their problems for them… (I could go on…)

But be strong. Be the hero your children require. The little birdies are Tweeting pretty loud about how grown up they are. Why not push them out of the nest to check if their wings work?

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