Harambe the gorilla was an unarmed, peaceful being who was unjustly murdered by fascist zookeepers, determined to ensure that primates are not given their fundamental, constitutional rights. He was accused of attacking a child, when all video footage confirms that Harambe (pbuh) was in fact trying to bring the child into his warm, protecting embrace. We should all be so lucky to feel the presence of this gentle giant — now watching over us from above.
The author of the petition sets out a list of comprehensive and persuasive arguments for the proposal. “While there is no doubt that Harvey Milk died in the service of his country, his contribution to American history pales in comparison to the Silverback magnificence that was Harambe. Harambe who gave his life in a volley of friendly fire.”
It continues by noting the “strategic advantage” that this will give the Navy: “the name Harambe — even whispered — will demand respect, obeisance, and awe. A USS Harambe will strike fear in the hearts of our enemies in a way that the name “Milk” never could. USS Harambe will remind the world that America never forgets its heroes.”
We at Breitbart have had our #DicksOutForHarambe from day one. The speciesist establishment of the Cincinnati zoo may have decided that the life of a peaceful and harmless gorilla such as Harambe must be forfeited in order to appease the negligent parents of a disobedient and clumsy child, but we know better.
Even Republican nominee Donald Trump has spoken out in sympathy with Harambe. “I think it’s a very tough call. It’s amazing because there were moments with the gorilla the way he held that child it was almost like a mother holding a baby,” said Trump. “It looked so beautiful and calm.”
However, there remain a select few who have yet to be converted to Harambism. In fact, Breitbart’s own resident gay thot Milo Yiannopoulos has previously said he was “GLAD HARAMBE IS DEAD.” It is the opinion of the authors that this blasphemous statement is the real reason Milo was banned from Twitter.
We must stress that the petition requires 99,551 signatures by September 3rd of this year to elicit a response from the White House. We urge all followers of the Great Silverback to immediately sign it, so that even after death, Harambe will still live on in the great world outside, as he does in our hearts.
USS Harambe. This is who we are.
Jack Hadfield is a student at the University of Harambe and a regular contributor to Breitbart Tech. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Lucas Nolan is a conservative who regularly contributes articles on censorship and Harambism to Breitbart. Follow him on Twitter @LucasNolan_ or email him at email@example.com