Comrades! Bloomberg Markets Has Ruined Our Precious, Perfect Koch Brothers Conspiracy Theory!

Comrades! The Koch Brothers conspiracy theory ought to be simple enough.

“They pay their conservative political puppets to hand over lucrative public energy contracts, and to erase regulations, so that they can become even richer.”

Simple, comrades! Not quite simple enough for the Tea Party rabble to understand, but simple enough for journalists of normal intelligence to reproduce as needed. That’s why it was invented to begin with.

Stay On Message, Comrades!



Yet some of us, comrades, are in need of urgent re-education.

Bloomberg Markets‘s Asjylyn Loder and David Evans have just published a profile of the Koch Brothers that ruins the careful propaganda efforts of the past two-and-a-half years.

They try to cast the Koch Brothers as the masters of a nefarious global conspiracy, alleging crimes committed around the world–and in the process, make the Kochs out to be law-abiding corporate citizens!

Consider, for example, their star witness, one Ludmile Egorova-Farines, who they say is a whistleblower unjustly dismissed by the Kochs for uncovering foreign corruption. Not only did the French courts dismiss her lawsuit for wrongful termination, and order her to pay her own legal costs, but they affirmed that she had shown “serious deficiencies,” an “irrational attitude,” and a “lack of transparency.” A colossal blunder!

(Comrades–take a lesson from Joe McGinniss: when scraping around for sources for a journalistic hit job, protect yourself by leaving them anonymous. That way, no one will be able to check your “facts,” and you can claim you are standing up for the safety of your informants. That’s what McGinniss did when he made all kinds of claims about Sarah Palin–and while she may sue him for libel, those bells can’t be un-rung. Take note!)

Left without a real “gotcha” in the article, Loder and Evans waste endless paragraphs on accusations that are decades old in some cases. And almost invariably, they are forced to report that the Kochs were diligent in reporting any wrongdoing they discovered, that they were eager to cooperate with law enforcement, or that their lawyers reviewed their transactions to make sure they were not violating U.S. law.

What a wasted opportunity!

Loder and Evans all but beg for federal investigations of the Kochs–based on evidence they have been unable to find, but which they imagine might exist. Comrades–never make your political agenda so brazen!

The authors could have covered their tracks by mentioning, for example, the Iranian dealings of General Electric–corporate cheerleader for the Obama administration and part owner of MSNBC. Yet they did not. Inexcusable!

Bloomberg’s would-be Koch-blockers (never let that vulgar theme die, comrades–it is vital!) somehow chose to garnish their article with glowing pictures of Charles and David Koch. The photos of their forlorn accusers are ghastly, staged portraits of villainy.

Why, it’s as if the authors published a glossy addendum to Koch Industries’ annual report, hailing the company’s transparency! (Whose side are Loder and Evans on, anyway?)

To cap it all off, the Bloomberg article has been the worst-kept secret in the blogosphere since that drunk Apple designer lost the new iPhone prototype in a bar. Everyone knew it was coming. Now, while we tear our garments in frustration, the Tea Party troglodytes will belch with relief.

Comrades! Stay on message! Do not confuse the masses! When you write about “sucking Koch,” so to speak, be sure your writing doesn’t suck!

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