Before you shed a tear for Hillary Clinton — ensnared yet again in a web spun by the Vast Alt-Right Wing Conspiracy — remember this: There is no “femme” without “fatale.” There is no martyr without sacrifice. There is no shattered glass ceiling without broken shards of glass.
Thus, her enemies from Moscow to Benghazi, from London to Manhattan rifle through all her purloined emails, the ones they were not ever supposed to see because she had hidden them, deleted them, destroyed them, even “BleachBitted” them. Indeed, hell hath no fury like a woman on a mission to destroy her yoga emails.
They paint a greasy scene in which the Department of State is transformed into a global shakedown scheme with the Clinton Foundation as the gatekeeper and “favor” maker around the world. It is an international crime syndicate run ruthlessly by the Clinton mafia.
Working ceaselessly around the clock in every time zone, the syndicate doles out favors and meetings in exchange for millions of dollars to the Clinton Foundation from anyone, any entity or any government willing to pay. The Clintons’ personal ATM is one hungry and indiscriminate beast.
Who knew downward dog could be so lucrative?
Donning her martyr’s veil, Mrs. Clinton never stops firing back. She is under siege from American right-wing groups. Right-wing Russians are afraid of her. Criminal hackers want to stop her. The hopelessly right-wing Associated Press is telling only half of the story correlating the connection between donations to the Clinton Foundation and “favors” and/or meetings with the secretary of state.
Only the Clintons would spend years stonewalling and refusing to hand over her schedules and other public documents, then complain that the full story doesn’t get told. Rest assured, the full story is even worse.
Now they feign contriteness. If Mrs. Clinton wins the election, we are told, the former president will quit the foundation. Really? Seriously? And I thought you said there was no conflict
Truth is, there is no shame here. The Clintons are not contrite. In fact, they love all this attention for their crimes. They read all the press with enormous pride. In this gutter, they are like pigs in slop.
Bill and Hillary Clinton are the Bonnie and Clyde of American politics. They are brazen, they are greedy, they are shameless and they will never be sorry for any of it.
It is like Bubba during all the “bimbo eruptions.” He feigned shame, but the man knows no shame. Even when his libido was causing him serious electile dysfunction, Bubba couldn’t help but bask in pride over his conquests.
The Clintons are to American politics what their adopted son-in-law and protege Anthony Weiner is to the internet. He only pretends to regret getting caught sexting a picture of his “private” parts alongside his little child in bed to a woman in spandex he has never met.
In truth, the Weiner is proud of it all. He wants to share his “accomplishments” with the whole world.
But what does it say about a guy who is so creepy, debauched and self-adoring that even the internet is too decent and civilized a place for him? Indeed, if Bill Clinton had a son, he would look just like Anthony Weiner.
Somebody call child services.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter via @charleshurt.