Hillary Clinton’s campaign to transform from a wooden political manipulator with a long list of lies into a real human candidate continued apace on Thursday. The media Blue Fairy has descended from the heavens, declaring that Hillary’s new, fun, spontaneous campaign has shown us all the true woman who exists beneath our sexist preconceptions.
Hillary taking a van tour in her charmingly-named vehicle, Scooby? Chuck Todd from NBC News cheered, “we found out about the road trip and I thought, oh, there’s some spontaneity; it actually felt as if she was having fun. The road trip gives it some humanity.” The Washington Post added that Clinton’s “unconventional” transportation choice “underscores Clinton’s attempt to reintroduce herself to the American public in a less scripted, unassuming manner.”
The spontaneity, it turned out, was pre-planned: in 2000, according to a biography of Hillary, Hillary and company drove “around New York in an armored brown van, ‘which we had called the mystery machine, the Scooby Doo van, which was an interesting thing to drive and learn to manipulate’… Hillary and her staff objected to the customary limo the First Lady would normally use. They complained the ‘optics’ weren’t right for an aspiring senator who wanted to look like she was a woman of the people – and not a product of the White House.”
Then, Hillary stopped by Chipotle for lunch. The end of the media world ensued. Bloomberg editor Mark Halperin said, “Her problem is not to prove to people that she’s ready for president. The two words she needs are fun and new. And part of why yesterday was so successful is, she looks like she’s having fun and she’s doing, for her, new stuff. We’ve never seen her get a burrito before.” If by “having fun,” Halperin meant “stopping by a restaurant wearing sunglasses and talking with no one before skipping the tip,” then sure.
Next, Hillary stopped by a coffee shop in Iowa for a spontaneous chat with everyday Americans. USA Today gushed, “she’s spending much of her time on undisclosed visits to various cafes and small businesses around Iowa where she can meet with voters and influencers away from the media spotlight.” Except that it turned out her magical mystery tour of the coffee shop had been pre-planned down to the attendees at her table, all three of whom were Democratic operatives hand-picked by Hillary’s Iowa campaign manager.
Today, Time magazine decided to help out Hillary, who has been fighting a rearguard action against the hard left of the Democratic Party, by having her write a profile of far left hero Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) for their list of 100 most influential people. Warren has been widely perceived a possible rival to Hillary in 2016, though Warren has said she will not run. Hillary praised Warren, and by doing so, plagiarized her message:
[S]he never hesitates to hold powerful people’s feet to the fire: bankers, lobbyists, senior government officials and, yes, even presidential aspirants.
The media’s attempts to turn the Hillary Clinton machine into something resembling a family affair filled with lovable characters continued in the pages of Elle and Town & Country. Elle has a heavily-airbrushed picture of Chelsea Clinton on their cover; she is wearing “a Gucci dress, Mateo New York bracelet, Cartier bracelet, Garland Collection ring, Halleh ring.” She is, in short, a woman of the people. Her presence on the cover of Elle makes perfect sense given her history of accomplishments including being born and breathing. Elle mouth-breaths: “EXCLUSIVE: CHELSEA CLINTON OPENS UP ABOUT MOTHERHOOD AND WOMEN’S RIGHTS.” The discussion topics, says Elle, range from:
[W]hether she’d like her daughter Charlotte’s grandmother to be the first female president of the United States, to the pressures she feels as a woman in a leadership role, to how she influences her parents on topics of national importance such as gay rights, to what it’s like riding the subway and going to the grocery store as, well, Chelsea Clinton. She talked passionately about motherhood and her seven-month-old daughter—along with her other baby, the No Ceilings Full Participation Report—and the happy place in which she finds herself, finally writing her own story as a mother, wife, advocate, and, yes, the beloved daughter of two of the most powerful people on the planet.
And then there’s Bill. The would-be First Gentleman (as in Gentleman’s Club) appears on the cover of Town & Country talking about philanthropy as “activist-in-chief.” The piece is, as you’d predict, a total worship service:
As Clinton’s chopper touches down, his shock of white hair is immediately recognizable, like a beacon, amid his entourage. (The group includes Sean Penn, who has his own Clinton Foundation supported project in Port-au-Prince’s Delmas 32 neighborhood: the J/P HRO’s Community Center and Urban Garden, which we’ll visit tomorrow. “Thank you for our very existence in Haiti,” Penn will say with emotion to Clinton.)…He is generous with [his attention], engaged and in the moment despite the midday sun, which is turning his pale skin pink. He asks questions, listens, nods, touches arms and shoulders—bonding gestures that quickly put his interlocutors at ease in the charmed circle of his celebrity. He is exemplary in his attention to detail, respectful in his curiosity.
His hair shines like the sun. His skin glistens in the light. He is exemplary, respectful, engaged, and just a touch…should Town & Country say it?…godlike. What a man! What a leader! And what a kindly, nonthreatening, non-sexual predator grandfather:
I’ve told Hillary that I don’t think I’m good [at campaigning] anymore because I’m not mad at anybody. I’m a grandfather, and I got to see my grand daughter last night, and I can’t be mad.
The quest to humanize Hillary Clinton is a difficult one. But thankfully, the media are here to help. One day, perhaps, Hillary can become a real human. That is, if her wooden nose ever stops growing.
Ben Shapiro is Senior Editor-At-Large of Breitbart News and author of the new book, The People vs. Barack Obama: The Criminal Case Against The Obama Administration (Threshold Editions, June 10, 2014). He is also Editor-in-Chief of TruthRevolt.org. Follow Ben Shapiro on Twitter @benshapiro.