It makes perfect sense that Hillary Clinton would select Us Weekly as the forum in which to reveal her innermost secrets: “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me!”
Us Weekly is owned by septuagenarian gay activist Jann Wenner, who has published some of the nation’s most famous fake journalism in his other fanzine, Rolling Stone.
Its most famous piece of recent faux reporting was the totally false UVa fraternity rape story. That story, now the subject of multiple lawsuits by the real victims – the fraternity and at least one college administrator — ran a few months after the magazine’s panting homoerotic story about the Muslim teen terrorist who bombed the Boston Marathon, complete with a beefcake photo of the welfare-collecting refugee on the cover.
So now Us Weekly runs Hillary Clinton’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me!”, a feature which has previously printed the pensees of such show-biz B-listers as Nyle DiMarco, Eric McCormack and Hayden Panettiere.
Fascinating stuff – did you know that Hillary once met Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.? Uh, was that the same day Mitt Romney’s father marched with him – just askin’.
She claims to love mystery novels (name one, Hillary!) and Adele’s songs (name two!). She liked her meme about her alleged love for hot sauce so much that she scooped herself, revealing that factoid on the campaign trail before the magazine was even published. (The hot-sauce fable prompted Milwaukee Sheriff David Clarke, a black Democrat, to remark on Fox: “I’m surprised she didn’t say watermelon.”)
Other Hillary revelations appear to be reworked from equally improbable earlier whoppers. The tall tale about once being turned down for the Marines is now replaced by a story that “when I was a girl” she wrote to NASA asking if she could become an astronaut, and was “politely” turned down.
Hillary also claims that “I stay in touch with a lot of people from all parts of my life,” which in her case would likely involve séances, considering the epidemic of “Arkanicides” that seem to follow in the Fun Couple’s wake.
But obviously this Us Weekly puffery was only the proverbial tip of the iceberg, so here are 25 More Things You Didn’t Know About Hillary Clinton!
1. In the 1960’s, my favorite Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels song was, “Devil With a Blue Dress.”
2. Global warming stopped in 1998 – that was me, I did it.
3. Bill and I were so “dead broke” when we left the White House in 2001 that we had to set up a Go-Fund-Me page, which was very difficult because it wasn’t even invented until 2010.
4. Believe it or not, I have never once visited Fort Marcy Park in McLean.
5. I once ran the Boston Marathon with my successor as secretary of state, John Kerry, and you know what – I can’t remember the year either!
6. I haven’t seen my ankles in 30 years.
7. I provided the intellectual foundations for the Occupy movement – oh no, that was Elizabeth Warren. My bad!
8. Michelle Obama and I – we are thisclose.
9. My daughter Chelsea has the cutest nickname for her father – she calls him “Webb.”
10. I read the Bible every night before bed – I’m still looking for my husband’s favorite passage, about how fellatio does not really constitute “sexual relations.”
11. I met Buddy Holly the day before the music died.
12. Can I just tell you, that Monica Lewinsky hussy – she is a B-I-T-C-H.
13. What’s the big deal about my $225,000-a-speech deal with Goldman Sachs – my brother Hugh was once paid $400,000 to lobby his brother-in-law for pardons and commutations.
14. I have a Muslim girlfriend.
15. Despite what the vast right-wing conspiracy may tell you, for a convicted billionaire pedophile, Jeffrey Epstein is not such a bad person, and his private jet is not known as “the Lolita Express.”
16. Bill and I were not the inspiration for Erich Segal’s “Love Story.”
17. My most prized possession is a spoon I stole from Mar-a-Lago after The Donald’s third wedding reception in Palm Beach in 2005.
18. I only flunked the D.C. bar exam once.
19. Two words for anyone who wants to get rich quick: cattle futures.
20. I didn’t inhale either.
21. If you suddenly need to throw an inanimate object at somebody, it’s a lot easier to get a good grip on an ashtray than on a lamp!
22. I was mistaken when I said I was named after Sir Edmund Hillary. I was actually named after Hilary Duff, or was it Hilary Swift?
23. Whenever I’m going to see Bill, he always asks me to be sure to wear my yoga pants.
24. My father was a fabric salesman; Bill still has no idea who his father was.
25. Physicians tell me that there’s at least a 40 percent chance my hacking cough may not be terminal, at least in my first term.
Follow Howie Carr on Twitter @HowieCarrChow. His latest novel about the Boston underworld, Killers, is available on Amazon.com.