Celebutard of the Week: Gwyneth Paltrow

After winning the Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, Gwyneth Paltrow has been shamefully idle (Shallow Hal, anyone?) Even her latest film, Two Lovers, co-starring Joaquin Phoenix, premiered, depressingly unnoticed, at the Sunshine Cinema on New York’s Lower East Side.

But Gwyneth, who moved to London after declaring, “We’re all going to die when George Bush has his way,” is far from allergic to taking home our money. Nor is the lady bred in an exclusive Manhattan private school opposed to reinventing herself in a curiously American kind of career: lifestyle guru.

Gwyneth has developed a website that is equal parts new age philosophy, serious commerce and whatever ramblings enter the star’s golden head. She is e-mailing related newsletters that recommend exorbitantly priced American restaurants – chef Mario Batali is a fave – push pricy products and plug hotels in which a standard room begins at $695 a night. She’s also shilling for a yoga gym she’s planning to open.

The site is called Goop.com – a name based on Gwyneth’s initials, GP. It is heavy on Kabbalah musing with its mantra, “Nourish the inner aspect,” whatever than means. It even – hold onto your lunch – describes the very icky effects of Gwyneth’s personal detoxifying diet. That is why I’m naming her my Celebutard of the Week, in keeping with my book, Celebutards: The Hollywood Hacks, Limousine Liberals and Pandering Politicians Who Are Destroying America. (Kensington.)

Gwyneth, who blames her age — 36 – for the dearth of recent roles (Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep might differ), has developed a site aimed appallingly at women who have the time, money and will to give up essential caffeine and shop all day – or rather, hire someone out to shop for them. The Toronto Globe and Mail wrote, “Why is it called ‘Goop’? Perhaps ‘Any Old Load of Rubbish’ and “Learn From Me, Ungrateful Peasant,’ were both taken.” Even the ordinarily fatuous New York Times called the site “fatuous and a bit puzzling” in a recent piece, which sent Gwyneth into orbit.

She said in response, “I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it. I think that people like to stay in their box. They like people to stay how they are comfortable seeing them.”

Oprah, of course, is agog at Gwyneth’s post-pregnancy workout, which the faded star displayed on the O’s television program.

In the meantime, Gwyneth has signed on to write a cookbook (can you say, organic?)

Food is much on Gwyneth’s mind these days, a year after she underwent a “Master Cleanse” (lots of lemon water and little else) and was promptly taken overnight by her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, to Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York. (She blamed a mysterious “gastrointestinal” ailment for the hospitalization.)

Her post-holiday cleanse this year was far less punishing, including chicken and smoothies, but no dairy or cappuccinos.

I never thought I’d read these words coming from the aristocratic Gwyn’s hand. But here is it is:

“If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification.”

Sluggish bowel movements aside, Gwyneth, who once declared America too dangerous for her kids, Apple and Moses, seems to be tiring of London. She whined to Marie Claire magazine that the city is too dirty, the weather atrocious, and the service not up to her standards.

“My husband thinks I’m way too obsessed with cleanliness and germs. I’m just like, ‘The street is filthy, could we take off our shoes before we come into the house?’ He used to imitate me and say, “Ewwww, oh my Gold!’ Also, the customer service is just rubbish in England. People are much more relaxed there, and things take forever to get done. They’ll tell you it’ll take two weeks for your Internet service to be fixed! It drives me mad. And I miss being able to get anything at any time of day. You can’t do that there.”

I suppose it’s time for Gwyneth to move back to America. But does America really need a Gwyneth Paltrow?