Don’t hold your breath for a Twitter funeral. That would be too triggering for its fanatical core of remaining supporters. But facts are facts: Twitter is dead, and today exists as little more than a Sharia-compliant echo of its erstwhile self.
Since there won’t be an official funeral for the dead bird — good riddance! — I invite you to enjoy my own Twitter eulogy, delivered at Florida State University in September.
The latest sign that Twitter needs a toe tag is the departure this week of CTO Adam Messinger. He joins a long list of other executives who have left the company, often after short tenures. I’m not going to list them here because it would take an entire column to do so, but I do feel compelled to mention the most amusing one, their VR chief Gregory Gopman — who was fired after just 48 hours thanks to unflattering comments about the homeless.
Twitter could save a lot of money by writing its executives’ names on their doors with pencil instead of fancy placards. Like an episode of Suits, Twitter execs come, go, change jobs and disappear under black clouds every few minutes. Office administration costs must be astronomical!
Earlier this year I called Twitter “the place that Silicon Valley careers go to die,” and the continued turnover in key positions and departments proves my point. (In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m right about everything, all the time, usually between six and nine months before everyone else.)
You can’t blame employees for walking away from the company — it must be soul-crushing to walk into the office each day wondering what shockingly bad news will come out next.
If Twitter were in the emergency room, we’d be well past the CPR and defibrillator stages and waiting on transport to the morgue. Twitter didn’t just die this month — or even when they started facing massive pressure from shareholder lawsuits and scathing stock analyst reports.
Twitter died when the company banned me from its platform. I know that sounds egotistical. But remember what I just said. I’m right about everything.
Twitter did it in July, right before my party at the Republican National Convention. They probably thought they’d spoil my fun, but they were as wrong as usual. In fact the Twitter banning catapulted me into a brand new level of fame — thanks, Jack!
After my banning, which publicly laid bare Twitter’s naked political agenda for the first time, various lifesaving measures were attempted, to no avail.
The company attempted to find a buyer in October, a common move for a failing organization, only to see big names like Google, Disney and Salesforce.com all turn away. CEO Jack Dorsey and his motley crew of censors have been left trying to figure out how to keep the lights on, but the stunning part is the financial world still doesn’t understand why.
Article after article in the business press blames Twitter’s “toxic” culture of trolls and other assorted ne’er-do-wells. They claim if only Twitter didn’t have such nasty users as Trump supporters, then Disney or some other big company would swoop in and rescue the company, a fairytale ending.
That isn’t the case at all. It is a lazy argument made to further the laughable idea that speech on the Internet shouldn’t be free. Do you think that Disney — the company that unleashed the Biblical plague known as Miley Cyrus upon us — would have any compunctions about toxicity?
It’s pretty straightforward. When a social network starts playing politics and clamping down on free speech, it dies. I can think of no exception in the history of social networking.
The companies that expressed interest in Twitter walked away from the deal because Twitter can’t make money. Advertisers get little engagement for their Twitter spend because social justice warriors don’t buy things. Not only do they have to beg for money from followers, they are apparently too busy complaining about everything even to engage with ads.
This is the high cost of running a social media platform as a left-wing safe space. Not to mention that Twitter also has extremely high costs based on its active user population when compared to Facebook and other platforms, probably thanks to the army of wacky progressive censors and other useless employees who simply take up office space.
Jack Dorsey, an increasingly isolated figure in Silicon Valley who was excluded from Donald Trump’s tech titan hobnobbing session recently, has responded with predictable ineptitude. In a memo designed to rally the troops into believing Twitter is still a going concern, he called the platform the “People’s News Network”.
I had a good laugh at that. Between the shadowbannings, hashtag manipulation, permanently banned users, and messing around with links to sites like Wikileaks, how could they describe themselves as the people’s news network? Unless, of course, the Maoist overtones of that name were on purpose.
If you’re curious how Twitter’s leadership killed the platform, you must understand they have seriously considered banning the President-elect of the United States from their service. Sure, Silicon Valley makes Bernie Sanders look conservative, but most companies (besides Facebook) have the sense to not blatantly censor political speech in the manner Twitter does.
Earlier this year I laid out ten things Twitter could do to fix itself. To date they’ve taken my advice on only one step, thinking about tweaking character usage in tweets. If Twitter had followed all ten of my suggestions, it would be a thriving social media platform today, either independently or with a new corporate parent.
When I wrote about the disastrous reign of token female CEOs in tech, I gave them the mocking title of “She-E-O.” Although cucktastic Jack is just about male, he has done such a monumental job of wrecking Twitter that he deserves to join the sisterhood as an honorary example.
After all, biology is merely a social construct of toxic patriarchy according to Jack and friends.
When a relative dies, there are a variety of things to be worked out. Legal affairs, the reading of the will and acrimonious division of assets will follow. I can’t finish this column without mentioning that I am expecting some news shortly about my own tangled history with Twitter, but I can’t share the details just yet.
Rest assured: as soon as I know, I will tell you all. You can trust me: do I ever miss a chance to talk about myself?