Killing Hollywood Pirates One by One

They plunder. They kidnap. They ransom. They steal. They kill. They are destroying the fabric of world civilization.

They are pirates, and piracy must be stopped.

Yes, Hollywood is filled with terrible individuals that must be reigned in.

Sure, I could blame Somalia for the problem, but they are starving. I blame Hollywood for glorifying pirates everywhere.

Therefore, the solution is to crack down on piracy at the source.

First of all, Johnny Depp must be arrested. For one thing, nine hours of screen time glorifying evildoers must be punished. More importantly, a girl once dragged me to see “the Libertine.” She was too depressed afterward for (redacted), so now J-Depp must be Deep-sixed as a consolation booty prize.

While Johnny Depp is the most well known pirate cell, the problem goes back generations. Therefore, we need to arrest Gilbert and Sullivan. This will be difficult since W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan were both dead by 1911. Their next of kin must be brought to Guantanamo Bay (still barely open for business) until every scoundrel behind “H M S Pinafore” is brought to justice.

The military court would have Celebrity President Barack Obama reprising the role of Tom Cruise, as he grills Jack Nicholson.

Obama/Cruise–“Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, is it true that you never got sick at sea?”

Nicholson–“I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to explain myself to you! You can’t handle the truth!”

Obama/Cruise–“I will ask you one more time, is it true that you never got sick at sea?”

Nicholson–“No! Never!”

Obama/Cruise–“”Never?”

Nicholson–“Hardly Eeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeerrrrrrrr!”

Any pirate that ever set foot in Hollywood would be turned over to the authorities.

We could start by arresting members of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Retired players would be easy to catch since they are slower to escape. If Willie Stargell and Dave Parker ever played a road game against the Dodgers, they are fair game. In fact, their next of kin must also be taken into custody. Special Forces must immediately get Peter Parker, Star Parker and Larry Parker.

Actually, just waterboard Larry. He sues people.

Pirates have been causing financial pain to people for as long as pain has existed.

Therefore, any Capital One executives spotted in Los Angeles should immediately be taken down, by lethal force if necessary. As soon as they ask what is in my wallet, they should be taken out with a bazooka.

Then we have to go after the Free Credit Report.Com guys.

“Free, credit, report.com…should have seen it coming at me, like an atom bomb…”

If President Obama truly is against torture, then he shall ban those commercials.

Everybody associated with “Muppet Treasure Island” can be incarcerated except for Animal. I always liked Animal. Besides, he is crazy. I am glad he is on our side.

Geena Davis should be rounded up not just for “Cutthroat Island,” but for forcing the idea of a woman President upon a nation that is not ready (At this point feminists can shut up. Hillary herself blamed sexism for her America-saving loss.). I don’t mind Margaret Thatcher or Allison Taylor on “24,” but not Gina or Hill-Dawg.

Robin Williams is a Hollywood liberal, and “Hook” requires that he get hooked. Long John Silver gets an exemption because I have been to his restaurant and like his fish basket. If I am confusing this with Arthur Treacher’s on Long Island, then take out Long John as well.

Lastly, every record executive must immediately be keelhauled. They need to face the barnacles because their unwillingness to adapt has led to the most dangerous form of criminal activity from China to the left coast.

Yes, music pirates are out of control. True, the record executives reduced Napster to cr@pster, but in the end the pirates won. The record executives retaliated by putting out even worse music. After all, if everything in popular music today is complete garbage, fewer people will want to steal it.

Software pirates are too geeky to be associated with Hollywood, and many of they have already been punished enough by being forced to live in the giant Waterworld (Kevin Costner obliterated 200 million dollars on that movie, a true piracy bomb that Somalis can envy.) known as Seattle.

Lastly, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers should all be executed. I am giving the Oakland Raiders an exemption, because I am a fan of the team. Also, the Raiders died as a winning franchise six years ago, after a brutal firefight against the Buccaneers.

Jon Gruden coached both of those teams, and he made the list of People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People.

I am still bummed over that Raiders-Buccaneers Super Bowl. Send Gruden to Somalia.

Some may disagree with my approach to the War on Terror, but based on our new leader’s approach, little of what I suggested is worse.

I just wish the government profile of terrorists with erratic beards would be updated. At some point we have to face the fact that my local Chabad Rabbi is innocent, as are the guys in ZZ Top.

Santa Claus is guilty. For one, he is anti-Semitic (let Simon Wiesenthal explain why my house kept getting skipped), and secondly, he has to get those toys from somewhere.

Santa is a pirate. Oh great. Now we have to execute Tim Allen.

eric aka the Tygrrrr Express

blacktygrrrr@earthlink.net

http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com