Rent-A-Jerk: How I Found an Occupy Wall Street Activist on an Escort Website

I recently heard about a website called Rent-A-Gent.  At first it sounded like an escort service.  

And it is.  

On the surface, there were some aspects that appealed to a single girl like me.  I could hire a driver, handyman, dog trainer, or language tutor and see photos and reviews.  But after perusing the various categories I noticed that these men were all very well-rounded.  What are the chances that a bodyguard, dog trainer, plumber and assistant would also be interested in escorting me to a black tie function?  It’s pretty amazing that all of these guys have so many skills, as well as professionally-retouched, shirtless photos.  Though I have to say, sorting by price, eye color and body type is pretty handy when looking for a handyman. 

There was one “gent” who stood out among the rest.  Harrison the Revolutionary.  It was as if every word was written for me… to have full-body heaves.  His “resume” states:

I’m one of the organizers of Occupy Wall Street. I am a true sapio-sexual intellectual-activist. Currently finishing my Phd and writing a dissertation on erotic arts, I am an expert in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and erotic hypnosis. Or you can just eat sushi off of my body, up to you.

I have to break this down sentence-by-sentence.  

“I’m one of the organizers of Occupy Wall Street.”

This is his opening line on an escort service website.  Is there anything more capitalistic than selling one’s body for money?  My first instinct was to assume he’s lying about actual involvement in the Occupy movement, but among his photos is one of him on Fox News arguing with Sean Hannity.  Of course for someone like me, it serves more as an advertisement for Hannity’s virility than for Harrison’s.

“I am a true sapio-sexual intellectual-activist.”

I didn’t know what the heck this meant, so I looked it up.  Apparently, a sapio-sexual is “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.”

I suppose this is code for “Unshaven Feminists Welcome!”

“I am an expert in… erotic hypnosis.”

Erotic hypnosis?  What do feminists think about this?  When a hypnotized woman says “yes” does it really mean “yes”?  I imagine Harrison with a girl he met at an Occupy Wall Street protest. “You are getting veryyyyyyy Roofied,” he coos. (And I’m reminded of Andrew Breitbart’s fantastic calls that these protestors “stop raping people”)

Finally, Harrison goes full-on creep and ends his resume with this nugget:

“Or you can just eat sushi off of my body, up to you.”

I can’t think of anything more disgusting than eating sushi off an Occupy Wall Street organizer’s naked body. But, I’m glad the choice is mine.  Unless I’ve been hypnotized to choose otherwise.  Oh, and this privilege is $200 an hour.  That’s not capitalism, that’s robbery.

Just to be clear, I found Harrison when I clicked on “Assistant” services.  Judging by his resume, the only thing he’s probably successfully assisted anyone with is a latte order.