Breaking: David Cameron Is a Total Lad

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Billionaires aren’t accustomed to being snubbed. They have egos even bigger than your present correspondent’s. And British Prime Minister David Cameron just discovered what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a tycoon’s wrath.

Former Tory donor Lord Ashcroft is on the warpath after being snubbed by Cameron: he wasn’t offered the powerful government job he was promised after giving the Conservatives money, so he has released a tell-all book about Cameron in retaliation.

The revelation that has captured journalists’ attention the most is that Cameron “put a private part of his anatomy” inside the mouth of a dead pig while at Oxford, as reported by the Daily Mail, which is serialising the book. Such hijinks are common at Britain’s best universities, especially among the very rich and very posh.

Also at the centre of the Cameron revelations is my Breitbart colleague James Delingpole, who claims that he smoked cannabis with the Prime Minister at Oxford. Americans will be wondering what the big deal is about a few tokes on a spliff, but Delingpole told the Mail that if harder drugs had been available, he’d have done them.

Judging by James’s recent journalistic output, he has had no problems tracking down psychotropics later in life. (Just kidding, darling!) Either way, the dead pig’s head and the drugs have sent the entire British media into the sort of merry collective confusion that I imagine people take dope for in the first place.

James claimed, jokingly, on Twitter that he and the Prime Minister didn’t inhale, a nod to the usual politician’s defence when stories like this pop up. But what I want to know is: did the pig? I know it’s considered haram by Muslims to eat a pig, but what if the pig is eating you? British Muslims will want to know. I’m not an Islamic scholar, so I don’t know where pleasuring yourself with a dead pig falls on the scale.

Loony liberal women are of course furious that a porcine corpse was deemed more attractive than them by a powerful straight white male. Actually, from what I read on the blogs, all they want to know is whether the carcass was male or female. If it was a dead boy pig, they’re fine with it. (Did the pig consent? These things matter.)

And cruel jokes are being made about the new Leader of the Opposition, a wacky socialist called Jeremy Corbyn who once had an affair with Labour MP Diane Abbott. Both party leaders are pigfuckers, say the horribly mean people of Twitter. Corbyn, at least, is enjoying the comparison.

But what strikes me most about the titillation of the fainting-couch commentariat today is what extraordinarily sheltered lives they’ve all lived. My gay friends on both sides of the Atlantic are laughing today about how ridiculously tame Oxford’s Piers Galveston society sounds. Sticking your dick in a pig, getting drunk and pretending to be gayer than you really are? So ahead of you, Prime Minister!

Piers Galveston has a reputation for “bizarre rituals and sexual excess,” apparently, which in my house we refer to as “Tuesday.” But, joking aside, if this is the worst he got up to then I don’t think the PM has much to worry about. Frankly, all I can think when I read this stuff is: ha, the Prime Minister is a total lad.

As for the allegation that Cameron “allowed cocaine to be circulated in his house,” I’m left thinking: what self-respecting household in the 1980s didn’t have blow on tap? I had to beg for my first cigarette and steal the key to the drinks cabinet for my first sip of champagne, but there was cocaine all over the place when I was growing up.

Despite all this, I see two potential PR problems for Cameron. Not for doing any of this sex and drugs stuff, none of which shocks me in the slightest, but, firstly, for allowing a photograph to be taken of the pig incident. The first rule of chubby-chasing is: never allow photographs of you and the hog.

Secondly, and most inexplicably and indefensibly, Delingpole has revealed that he and the PM used to rock out while high on cannabis… to Supertramp. If you’re American, look them up on YouTube and tell me that’s not the really embarrassing detail.

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