OBAMA: So I said, “Damn right, George. The Force is with me.” Anyway, it’s official: Lucas will produce and Spielberg will direct Barack CoJones and the Compound of ISI, with Denzel Washington playing me and Cat Stevens as Osama. Release date: October 2012.
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: I’ll announce healthcare waivers for Paramount, Lucasfilm Ltd., and Amblin Entertainment at 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning, Mr. President.
DAVID PLOUFFE: We should beef up your macho bona fides in the short term, sir.
VALERIE JARRETT: And tie it into family values. Visit your destitute brother in Africa and give him a few bucks, sir. Then go into the bush without your Secret Service detail and kill a lion with a spear. Gutsier than Palin shooting a moose with a 30-06 at two hundred yards.
OBAMA: Maybe I’ll do just that once I force Netanyahu to risk national suicide for a shot at peace. Leon, where’s Iran at right now.
PANETTA: [checks wall map] Same place as yesterday, sir.
OBAMA: Militarily, Leon.
PANETTA: Oh. We estimate they’ll have one Hiroshima-level nuke by Labor Day. As you ordered, sir, our forces in the region remain on alert and are prepared take out Israel’s air force if an attack on Iran appears imminent.
JARRETT: That would certainly give the lie to wingnuts who say you don’t have the guts for preemptive action, sir.
BILL DALEY: Biden’s here . . . I think.
OBAMA: This better work, Bill. Man’s driving me crazy—calling every five minutes, waylaying me after meetings. This morning, I caught him in the Oval Office addressing the nation . . . . Oh, hello, Joe. Uh, what’s with the surgical mask and scrubs?
BIDEN: Hey, howya doin’, big guy. This getup? The gate guard sneezed when I arrived. Never know . . . could be pig flu. So I had Medical run me through a Level 3 decontamination. Hey, maybe we oughta quarantine Washington like FDR did in ’55.
OBAMA: I’ll consider it. Joe, I have a special assignment for you.
BIDEN: Whassup, Boss? Wahmeeta go to Russia, straighten Putin out? Or plug my tripartite plan for D. C. to the Post? How ’bout a budget debate with Ryan Paul on Meet the Press? Gimme the word.
OBAMA: None of those, Joe. Actually, I’m naming you my roving ambassador to Smalltown, USA. You’ll be my, uh, what’s that title I’m giving him, Bill?
DALEY: Ijit, sir. Rhymes with widget.
BIDEN: Ijit?
OBAMA: It’s a Native American honorific, Joe–Ojibwa, I think. Means, ”simple, plain-spoken man.” You’ll start in Oregon and work east through election night 2012, visiting every hamlet and telling folks my plans for the country. Joe, historians will acclaim you the Obama Administration’s Village Ijit.
BIDEN: I’m on the case, Boss. I’ll leave tomorrow, report in every day.
OBAMA: Godspeed, Joe, and watch your topknot out there . . . . he’s gone. Bill, tell the switchboard to shunt his calls to State. Let’s move along: in twenty minutes, I’m leaving for an aerial survey of the damage to golf courses in the tornado-ravaged South.
PLOUFFE: Regarding the election, Majestad: Hispanics are slipping away from our hacienda.
OBAMA: Valerie, get word to influential Latinos in legal trouble: If you’re gonna beg my pardon, you better promise me the Rose Garden.
BILL RICHARDSON: I’ll talk to my community contacts, Jefe. This time next year, your picture will be on walls in every barrio in the country. And spray painted beneath: ”Mi Casa Blanca es su Casa Blanca.”
OBAMA: Bueno.
RICHARDSON: Naming that navy ship after Cesar Chavez isn’t cutting it with Hispanics, Excelencia.
OBAMA: Then get the Pope on the horn. I’ll put Chavez in for sainthood and tell his Holiness I want it fast-tracked.
PLOUFFE: Sir, Romney’s getting some traction. We should take him down a peg.
JAY CARNEY: I’ll ask Zogby to run a poll with this question: “Does Mitt Romney’s subservience to the Mormon Church’s Prophet make it more likely or less likely you’ll vote for him?”
DALEY: Barney Frank and his sister, Ann Lewis, are here about the housing crisis, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Headsets on, everyone. Ms. Lewis will provide simultaneous translation.
FRANK/LEWIS: Good news, sir: foreclosures are increasing. Bad news: not fast enough. Unless we act now, no catastrophic economic event big enough to rally the nation around you will occur before November 2012.
OBAMA: Damn! Can we accelerate the timetable for fiscal Armageddon?
FRANK/LEWIS: One possibility, sir: an Executive Order mandating home ownership by every citizen over 21. Deadline, July 2012.
OBAMA: Works for me. Treasury, tell banks to start lending again as if their charters depended on it. Advise Fannie and Freddie to open the spigots wide, and stonewall the Inquisitors on the House Financial Services Committee.
FRANK/LEWIS: Sir, HUD will need military assistance to evict non-compliants from their apartments and cardboard boxes and force them into homes.
OBAMA: Highly improper for the our armed forces to play that role, Ann–I mean, Barney. Is Blackwater still hiring out mercenaries?
[enter Michelle]
Oh, hello dear. Jay, Michelle has something to say to you. She speaks for me.
MICHELLE: You’re not working out, Carney. So, back to Biden you go. Word is he’s leaving tomorrow on a long trip. Better get home and pack.
OBAMA: Chris Matthews, aka Tweety, will be my new Press Secretary, everyone, and . . . .
MICHELLE: Bring Tingles on board if you want, but I still don’t like the way he looks at you. Keep the door open when you’re alone in a room with him. You hear me, Barack?
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