Obama War Room: Reverse Pollarity

JOE BIDEN: [handing President phone] Axelrod calling from Chicago, Boss. He sounds pissed.

OBAMA: Hey Axe! Whassup?

No, I don’t know who leaked our decision to abandon blue collar whites. Soon’s we find the S.O.B., we’ll dress him up like a banker and drop him into the middle of an OWS protest.

You’re kidding. We gotta reverse course because word got out?

Okay, I understand: you want me and Joe to be regular people for a while. Suggestions?

Avoid Camp David. Fine. Too rustic for my taste, anyway. Anything else?

Wait until after the election to eminent domain Lafayette Square and build a White House pitch and putt complex? No problem. That it?

What?! Aw, c’mon, man! You can’t be serious. That would demean the office of the Presidency.

All right, all right, I’ll do it. Yeah, we’ll brainstorm more ideas, too. Okay, later. [hangs up]

BIDEN: Chief?

OBAMA: First thing tomorrow, Joe, you and I begin hanging new drapery in the East Room.

JAY CARNEY: I’ll alert the networks to have camera crews in place by 10:00 a.m., sir.

BILL DALEY: Your 9:00 o’clock tee time with Tiger at Congressional, Mr. President? I’ll call him and canc. …

OBAMA: Ixnay! SNL’s Fred Armisen owes me big for resuscitating his career. Request his presence here at dawn in work clothes and cap. Jay, don’t give the signal to start taping until Fred and Joe are atop their ladders. No close ups.

VALERIE JARRETT: [hanging up phone] You and Michelle are signed up for the Tuesday night mixed league at the Lucky Strikes Lanes in Bethesda, sir. First-timers bring beer.

OBAMA: Oh joy. Well, anyway, Versace’ll need a few weeks to design Michelle’s bowling duds. We’ll start after we get back from Hawaii in Jan . . . Joe, what?

BIDEN: Um, regular folks don’t go to the islands on holiday, Skipper. Better stick close this year. How ’bout us two and the wives do some day trips: Busch Gardens, say; maybe check out Bob’s Reptile House in Virginia; or take a bird walk at the National Zoo.

OBAMA: This is getting out of hand.

BIDEN: Ooh, that sparks a thought, Number One. Let’s you and me do a Bush-Cheney sock puppet show for poor kids next Saturday in the Rose Garden. Bush and Cheney are quail hunting in Jersey, see, when Cheney turns towards Bush and accidentally discharges his weapon, winging Jon Corzine who’s nearby throwing bags of money into a big hole he’s dug. Meanwhile. . . .

OBAMA: Wait wait wait. We’re going about this bass ackwards. I won’t get reelected because the great unwashed think I’m one of them; I’ll win if the economy booms. How do we make that a reality in eleven months?

BIDEN: Bring Rick Santelli in and do what he says?

JARRETT: The President means, without openly abandoning his war on capitalism, Joe.

OBAMA: Correct. Look, unemployment fell to 8.6%. Why? Because employers are buoyed by the fact I’m looking more unelectable every day. They’re anticipating my defeat and trying to get a leg up on competitors.

DAVID PLOUFFE: I think I get where you’re going, sir. We keep doing what we’ve been doing to drive your numbers down further, through the 30s and even into the 20s. The lower you go, the more hoarded cash gets pumped into the marketplace. By late summer, the economy’s ignited, leaving the Republican nominee gasping like a landed fish.

OBAMA: Exactly. Naturally, my numbers rebound dramatically in the fall, with businesses too committed to expansion to pull back even though I’m surging. Their tough luck when I win and punish them for trying to profit on the backs of their customers.

JARRETT: On another front, sir: the Ice Queen has agreed to break ranks with Senate Republicans and sign on to your American Jobs Bill,

OBAMA: And what did we give up for Senator Snowe’s favors?

PLOUFFE: She remains a Republican, sir, but she’ll have a vote in Reid’s caucus.

OBAMA: Not too bad in exchange for. . . .

PLOUFFE: There’s more, sir: she has first call on the White House movie theater. And next vacancy, you’re nominating her for the Supreme Court.

OBAMA: Ouch! The pain in Maine weighs heav’ly on my brain. Still, nice having a token Republican on our side.

BIDEN: Whew! All this Machiavellian stuff is making my head spin. And it’s been days since you had a day off, Boss. Whyncha reach out to Tiger and Michael Jordan. Check if they’re available to fly to Pebble Beach this weekend.

DALEY: Snowe’s already reserved Air Force One through Sunday, sir.

OBAMA: Oh? Has she moved into the Residence yet? What more can possibly happen to. . . .

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Hey, who booked the Blue Room Friday night for “An Old-Fashioned Maine Snowbound Hoedown”? I need it for my seminar on “Weak Men, and the Strong Women Who Push Them to Greatness.” Move the Maine shindig to your basketball court. You hear me, Barack?


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