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From Our Spy Inside the DNC: The Real Skinny

STEVE GRAMMATICO

Democratic National Committee

Minutes

December 24, 2011

OFFICERS PRESENT

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, National Chairleader

Mike Honda, Vice Chair, UAW Liaison

Donna Brazile, Vice Chair, Hemispheric-Americans Voting Rights Coordinator

Linda Chavez-Thompson, No Relation to Cesar or Fred

OTHERS

Akio Toyoda, President, Toyota Motor Company

James Clyburn, Emissary, Congressional Black Caucus

Diane Sawyer, Network Lackey

Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger, Print Shill, New York Times

Eric Holder, Attorney General for Minority Rights

Dennis Kucinich, Director, Munchkins United for America PAC

Betty Friedan (1921-2006), Founder, League of Dead Women Voters

(Whoopi Goldberg, Channeler))

PROCEEDINGS

Ms. Wasserman Schultz called the meeting to order at 10:14 a.m. after police were called to settle a dispute between Mr. Honda and Mr. Toyoda.

On secure video uplink, President Obama spoke briefly from the Kauai Lagoons Golf Club putting green. He warned of the hard road ahead.

AG Holder arrived at 10:23, claiming he never received a memo about the session.

OLD BUSINESS

1. Ms. Wasserman Schultz announced that Planned Parenthood had submitted the winning design for the new Democratic National Committee logo.


2. General Holder reported the DOJ has notified all 18,000 U. S. municipalities to eliminate pre-registration as a requisite for voting.

“The requirement is a violation of the 1965 Voting Rights Act,” Holder said. “It disenfranchises our homeless citizens, who can’t know in which community they’ll be living on Election Day.”

3. Ms. Chavez-Thompson confirmed that friendly Federal magistrates in Pennsylvania and Ohio have agreed in advance to extend metropolitan area poll hours until midnight on Election Eve 2012 so that derelicts caught up in late sweeps by ACORN press gangs may exercise their franchise.

4. Ms. Wasserman Schultz again expressed concern about growing public awareness of influence peddling by Congressional Democrats.

The Committee previewed a video scheduled for showing at House and Senate party caucuses in January. It opens with former Congressman William “Cold Cash” Jefferson discussing integrity and ethics. Barbra Streisand closes with a cautionary tune inspired by South Pacific’sYou’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught.”

You’ve Got to Be Carefully Bought

You’ve got to wiggle your bum

Like a worm.

You’ve got to land those big fish

Term to term.

You need to show them

You’ll never stand firm,

So you can be carefully bought.

You deserve to be bought–

Take your share.

All your colleagues are bought;

It’s quite fair.

Yes, demand what’s your due;

Who’ll glean a clue

As long as you’re carefully bought?

You better grab the dough

While you can.

You know it’s the reason you ran.

Snag it in cash,

Mr. Government Man;

Stash it with forethought

Or poop hits the fan,

And your cunning might all come to naught.

Now, if you’re found out,

You must claim

That it’s all a political frame.

Just brazen it out,

And show no one your shame.

There’s a chance you’ll stay carefully bought.

NEW BUSINESS

1. Ms. Wasserman Schultz queried Mr. Sulzberger on the status of the DNC newsletter, the New York Times.

Mr. Sulzberger said the paper is hemorrhaging money and readers. He is disappointed by the poor response to a current promotion: dinner at La Grenouille with Paul Krugman for new subscribers who purchase a three month subscription.

Sulzberger also revealed he is in talks with Globe Magazine regarding a merger. “The Times gets an instant shot of credibility if the deal happens,” he said.

Regarding a balanced profile of Newt Gingrich that appeared recently in the Times, Mr. Sulzberger said, “Normally, we’d spike such a piece, but we’re broke. That edition sold out as a collectors’ item. We sell more newspapers or we’ll wind up a Saudi billionaire’s trophy rag.”

2. Ms. Brazile recommended firing DNC internet trolls striking for Carpal Tunnel coverage. “Let’s outsource their work to internet boiler room drudges from Pakistan,” she suggested. Tabled.

3. Ms Wasserman Schultz read a poem she penned for the Party’s upcoming fundraising appeal.

The year ends well; the Pubbies caved.

We’ve gotten mostly what we’ve craved:

To gut our econ, sound retreat,

Color red our balance sheet,

Show lesser countries we’ll self-screw

to keep a lid on CO2,

And borrow money (since we’re broke)

to give to Gaia’s poorer folk.

We’ve brought our country to the brink

And shown we’re not afraid to blink;

Ahead: more change! tricked-up reform!

And by these measures Earth transform.

We’ll cool the planet, save the whales,

Tell our kids tall climate tales.

And when we’re through and temps are pleasing,

We’ll warm to threats of global freezing.

4. Ms. Sawyer will interview Ms. Friedan next spring on 20/20. Tentative title for the segment: “You’re Never Too Dead to Vote.”

5. Ms. Brazile wondered how Party candidates might make more effective appeals to diverse ethnic groups.

Mr. Clyburn recalled Senator Obama receiving positive reviews for “talking Appalachian” at a Shenandoah Valley church supper in 2008.

Subsequently, Clyburn said, Obama hawked his redistributionist philosophy to Italians, Jews, and Poles in their own vernacular.

The Committee agreed to consider hiring ethnic speechwriters to help candidates pitch the Party’s socialist message to targeted audiences this election season. Program code name: Marxist Dialectics.

Motion to adjourn. Unanimous.

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