Fat people are disgusting. And, worse, they’re such babies, always coming up with bullshit excuses about their big bones, hormonal problems, slow metabolisms, the “wrong gut bacteria” or, most sickeningly, their feelings.
Sorry, landwhales, but no amount of whinging about your overbearing father on Tumblr is going to affect the laws of physics: it’s calories in, calories out. I mean, I didn’t have the happiest childhood, but it didn’t make me go through life with an ice cream scoop in one hand and a box of tissues in the other.
Yet, aided by the latest research into weight loss, I’ve come around to realising that “fat-shaming,” though fun and obviously the instinctively moral thing to do, might not be the most effective route to curing America’s burgeoning obesity crisis. Loath as I am to repeat some of my vicious past statements on the subject, let me share a few of them.
Yes, you ought to be able to eat whatever you want and not gain a pound, but unfortunately the laws of thermodynamics are real and not an invention of the patriarchy so please put down that blender full of mudslides. You can watch Orange is the New Black alone on repeat with your cat without the milkshake.
You claim to be a thin person in a fat person’s body, but sadly honey that’s not what “trans fat” means.
Alcohol has calories, ladies! Keep it to a minimum. Actually, just give all your drinks to your dates. They’ll need them.
Instead of ordering something with mayonnaise, consider just injecting directly into the spot on your thigh where you’d like it to end up. Because that’s where it’s going, darling.
Yes, your venti caramel macchiato counts. In coffee and men, stick to strong, black and bitter. Sugar is for people who only have to purchase one airline seat.
Is Dove soap going to have sex with you? No. So ignore their body image advice.
Don’t worry. Everyone eventually achieves their target weight. In your case, between two and six weeks after death.
I know it can be hard to sympathise with indolent lardbuckets — especially when they start bleating about over-eating as though it were an unavoidable symptom of deep psychological dysfunction, rather than simply laziness.
And I do suspect that the odious and irresponsible “fat acceptance” movement is in fact secretly funded by Big Chocolate. Maybe it’s Kraft behind all those idiotic feminist telling women to love the skin they’re in. (Incidentally, Healthy At Any Size is going to be the name of my new highly-profitably private sector chain of Type-2 Diabetes Treatment Centers.)
But, as I say, the latest research suggests that hectoring doesn’t work. And we do need something that works: the obesity crisis is spiralling out of control. Your average mall in America looks like Chernobyl, until you realise that those extra heads where thighs should be and weird carcinogenic-looking fins seeping out of forearms are actually just the result of too much Taco Bell.
It’s my new belief that everyone knows, deep down, that to lose weight they just need to exercise more and eat less. All they lack is positive encouragement. That’s why today, I am releasing – totally free of charge – a comprehensive set of motivational iPhone wallpaper and/or lock screen backgrounds and audio files to help you heffalumps finally banish the blubber and start undoing the aesthetic Holocaust that is places like West Virginia.
LOSING WEIGHT WITH MILO YIANNOPOULOS: YOUR FREE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
1. “Unless you are exercising for five guys, stay away from Five Guys.”
2. “You can have your cake. Just DON’T FUCKING EAT IT.”
3. “Nurturing your inner child doesn’t mean force-feeding it to death.”
4. “Don’t guzzle your feelings: snort or spend them.”
5. “Nothing tastes as good as sexual objectification feels. (Trust me.)”
6. “It’s not your fault. You just have a heavy aura. LOL! KIDDING! HOG!”
7. “Congratulations on getting engaged. Fingers down the throat time!”
8. “Leave a giant legacy, not a giant coffin.”
9. “Chocolate is a privilege, not a right.”
10. “Yes, salad is rabbit food. But look how much more sex than you the rabbits are having.”
If you’ve been offended by anything in this report… tough. You can kill me if you like, chubsters, but it will only make me stronger. And you’ll still be fat.
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