For the Democratic nomination for the presidency of the United States of America, I hereby officially and wholeheartedly announce my endorsement for — The Empty Lectern!
Debate hosts CNN and Facebook announced earlier this week that they were saving an extra debate podium just in case a liberal knight in shining armor rode in at the last minute to provide desperately-needed legitimacy to the stable of lame donkeys on stage.
But I say forget the knight. The Empty Lectern alone stands head and shoulders above the five candidates now running for the Democratic nomination.
In fact, one does not even have to have watched Tuesday night’s debate to know that the most honest, capable and inspiring leader in the Democratic field is, hands down, The Empty Lectern.
Not since Clint Eastwood introduced us to The Empty Chair at the 2012 Republican Convention has a piece of furniture captured the hopes and dreams of such a despondent electorate.
Let’s not waste time on all the sad and sordid negative reasons that disqualify the rest of the Democratic field to hold the highest office in the land. Let’s just focus on all the positive attributes of The Empty Lectern and why she would be so great as America’s first woman president.
Probably the single greatest thing about The Empty Lectern is that she is NOT married to a sex predator. She truly stands for women’s rights.
The Empty Lectern also never voted to send American troops to die and get disfigured in a war that she didn’t really actually believe in — a war that she later determined was so disastrously hopeless that she was instrumental in surrendering it to the most dangerous jihadi terrorists the world has ever seen.
Nor did she spark protests that killed countless people around the world by falsely blaming a coordinated terrorist attack at an American Embassy on outrage over a two-bit crank film about the Prophet Mohammad that nobody saw — until she made it famous.
The Empty Lectern is open, true and honest. She has never hidden Rose Law Firm records or stashed an unsecured server in her bathroom to keep her employer from reading all the dastardly dealings she was doing over government email.
She is still clean and sturdy and has not weathered the public eye for a quarter of a century.
And that is just comparing The Empty Lectern to the Democratic front-runner!
Consider the rest of the field such as The Gray-Headed Hoot Owl that is nipping at her heels.
At the very least, The Empty Lectern does not describe herself as a “socialist Democrat.” I mean, what is that, anyway? An unprincipled Communist?
Nor has she been a professional politician for 35 years from a politically crackpot state and been a member of Congress since 1991.
The Empty Lectern also has never surrendered the stage to angry Black Lives Matter protesters, or even worse, apologized for saying “all lives matter.” And nor was the city she governed in the state she governed literally in flames earlier this year as a testament to the failure of her government policies.
So, you can sit around waiting for a white knight in shining armor to ride in, but I am going with The Empty Lectern for the Democratic nomination.
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter via @charleshurt.