A momentous occasion is fast approaching. Before the end of the year, and in all likelihood before the end of the month, I will surpass 100,000 followers on Twitter.
To celebrate this earth-shattering event, I am throwing a party in London. Update: Places are limited to 600–and 525 of them have already gone.
Before you sign up, there are some rules. Firstly, there will be only one kind of food permitted into the venue: pineapple pizza. Heretics who deny the holiness of this cheesy, fruity combination will not be permitted to eat and will be publicly shamed by me.
Secondly, this will be a costume party. Fancy dress is not compulsory, but if you do dress up you’re only allowed to come as a famous supervillain: me. Blonde wigs and blonde dye are both acceptable (not everyone can afford a proper bleaching), but anyone not dressed as me will be thrown out on the spot. And before you start carping about the price of my elegant night-time sunglasses, you can get knock-off Aviators for a few quid on Amazon.
There’s a security reason for this costume rule, of course. If feminist assassins show up (quite likely), they’ll have a 99 per cent chance of shooting the wrong Milo. I know you’ll all take a bullet for me, and I just want to say, it’s the right choice.
The party will be in London on Saturday, December 5. Sign up for the guest list and you will be sent the location of the party. You can tweet your excitement for the event (and perhaps sneak peeks of your costumes) with the hashtag #Milo100k.
Speaking of feminists, now is the time for a brief message of thanks. Still oblivious to the Streisand Effect, feminists have been inadvertently boosting my profile for the past year. Their repeated attempts to shut me down, from putting all my followers on Twitter blocklists to calling in bomb threats to my public meetings to getting me disinvited from multiple campuses… all these strategies have backfired horribly.
You see, the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest — and I was already quite tasty to begin with.