Buzzfeed published a story last night on my private mercenary army of 44 interns. It’s true, I’m still well short of my personal goal of 69 handsome supplicants, acolytes, and spear-carriers, but I’m pleased to say my inbox is flooded with interested potential disciples following the piece by my old mate Joseph Bernstein.
Buzzfeed has a few reasons for publishing this story. For one thing, I pointed out last year that their journalistic quality is akin to a public toilet in Cologne frequented by refugees with diarrhoea and no acquaintance with porcelain.
Then there was my little trick around Christmas time, in which I convinced a goodly portion of Twitter that I had been hired as Buzzfeed’s new Social Justice Editor.
Anyway, I played along when Buzzfeed came asking for comment. Having help with research, drafting, and ghosting is of course standard operating procedure in the media business and anyone who doesn’t know this simply isn’t successful enough to need it. I mean, does anyone think Bill O’Reilly writes his own books?
In the world of politics, greatest president of all time Ronald Reagan had masterful speechwriters like Peggy Noonan. Although Reagan lacked my intellectual rigour and innate leadership qualities, he was a good man but even he needed a little lift now and again.
For visiting Buzzfeed readers who are a little more to the left of center, it is widely accepted that terrorist William Ayers wrote Obama’s first book. And you can’t forget Obamacare, which had to be “passed so it could be read” — including by its own authors.
A more important question to ask is why I need a small army of skilled writers, designers, interns, and internet ne’er-do-wells? Well, because the business of Milo is booming. I’ll keep this list of accomplishments as short as possible, as befitting my reputation for modesty.
My Twitter stats are through the roof, despite the removal of my blue tick and my shadowbanning. So I’ve hired a number of people to start rolling Milo out onto other social media platforms.
I’ve launched the Yiannopoulos Privilege Grant to help young white men reach college, and we have a steady stream of contributions. I’m planning a livestream donation drive in the near future as well, because I want to double our initial plans and give out 100 scholarships in the first year.
By the end of the year the Grant will have two permanent members of staff and an advisory board.
My merchandising line, Swag by Milo, is a sensation, featuring such popular items as the bestselling “Feminism is Cancer” t-shirt, with my cut of the proceeds going to the aforementioned Grant. I also like the fact that I have straight 50-year-old dudes in Arizona wandering around in BLACK COCKS MATTER shirts.
Three designers and one business manager contribute to the hilariously brilliant product line-up, look after customers and run the store’s social media.
I have two books coming out this year, and obviously I’ll need some help researching and proofreading.
My “Dangerous Faggot” speaking tour has been one of the most significant things to happen to American education in decades. I entertain huge crowds, the most delightfully insane protestors, and produce videos watched by hundreds of thousands.
The faculty and administration of at least three colleges I’ve visited so far have reaffirmed their commitment to free speech in the wake of my visits. Y’all are welcome!
I am by any metric you care to name the most fascinating new voice on the American right. My rise has been meteoric and my success undeniable, thanks not only to my natural charm, good looks, intelligence and natural predisposition to hard work, but also thanks to the great men and women who run the various bits of my empire for me.
Oh, and don’t forget, I’m really rich! I don’t go anywhere without an assistant and my personal trainer and my housekeeper wears Prada.
— Ben (@benhod85) April 1, 2016
So! I must thank Buzzfeed and Bernstein not only for a flood of potential interns but also for the excuse to run through my accomplishments again.
Buzzfeed’s article, like most negative pieces about me, has ended up being a masturbatory aide, and as long as I have a mirror I really don’t need any more of those. But keep them coming, guys! You continue to make me more famous and successful with every word you write.
I’m aware you couldn’t do any of this without me. (No comment on rumours that it was me who sent them the story in the first place.) Journalists have realised that anything they write with my name on it will perform well, so anyone with a traffic target has an incentive to rope me into their stories.
— hunterbully (@Al_Mudather) April 1, 2016
Case in point: I trended worldwide, for the second time, overnight last night as my army of shitlording fellow travellers started to mock Buzzfeed for publishing something so absurd.
Perhaps that’s why Buzzfeed keeps writing about me despite the obvious humiliation they must feel that despite all their resources, it’s me young people want to listen to.
— Martin Daubney (@MartinDaubney) April 1, 2016
— Dave Rubin (@RubinReport) April 1, 2016
— Charlie Spiering (@charliespiering) April 1, 2016
— Douglas Nelson (@MrNailsin) April 1, 2016
— Vive Charlie (@ViveCharlieMag) April 1, 2016
And for printing hilariously purple quotes from unknown and probably non-existent “sources.”
— shoe (@shoe0nhead) April 1, 2016
Also, guys. A word of warning. If you keep doing this, there’s always the risk I’ll just run with whatever BS you publish, say it’s true and monetise it to benefit my scholarship fund.
In the meantime, you might want to reflect on how you fell so far that Milo Yiannopoulos got the moral high ground — and ended up more popular, likeable and successful than you. If these jokers want to take me out, they’re going to have to do a lot better than this.
Follow Milo Yiannopoulos (@Nero) on Twitter and Facebook, or write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Android users can download Milo Alert! to be notified about new articles when they are published. (iOS version coming soon.) Subscribe to Milo’s smash hit new weekly podcast, The Milo Yiannopoulos Show on iTunes. The official SWAG by Milo merchandise store is open 24/7.