ROBERT GIBBS: The MSM are still holding the line, Mr. President, but the whole MSNBC crew has revolted.
DAVID AXELROD: Schultz, Olbermann, Maddow, Matthews–tonight they begin their on-air nude marathon hunger strike, sir. They’ll nibble on Brie and drink nothing but Perrier until you acknowledge your debt to them and restore the public option.
OBAMA: Man! Eighteen months ago those people thought I walked on water. Now they crucify me because I can’t transmogrify private coverage into single payer. Uh, Bob, who’s that sittin’ over there in the corner?
GIBBS: His name’s Ezra Klein, sir, founder of the now defunct JournoList web clique I told you about.
OBAMA: What’s he doing here?
GIBBS: You wanted our Latino media on the same page in the months before midterms, sir. He’s reconstituted JournoList, only this time with 400 Hispanic journalists and bloggers. They’ll communicate in coded Spanish–Ezra’s minor– to reduce the chance of exposure. Sort of like Codetalkers en Espanol.
OBAMA: Si, se puede!
AXELROD: We figured it would be helpful to have him attend our strategy sessions and hear firsthand the spin he’ll be disseminating. He’s been instructed not to look you in the eye or speak unless he’s spoken to, sir. After all, he’s only 14…
OBAMA: [to Klein] Stand up, son. So, no more “journolistas.” What do you people in the new listserv call yourselves?
KLEIN: The Cabal-leros, Jefe. We . . . .
OBAMA: Sit down and shut up, son.
RAHM EMANUEL: Sir, the MSNBC firebreathers–their anger is troubling. They speak for the base, and the base is restless.
OBAMA: True. Absent Bush’s retroactive impeachment or the disbandment of the military, they’ll sit on their hands in November. We can’t afford that.
JOE BIDEN: There’s another option, Boss: satisfy the nutroots’ blood lust by publicly purging high-profile advisors for failing you. Klein, that’ll play good in the barrios, too.
EMANUEL: I volunteer to be a scapegoat, sir. Allow me to commit seppuku at the podium before your next presser.
OBAMA: Your call, Rahm. Bob, seat Major Garrett and Jake Tapper within spurting distance of Rahm. I want them to feel his pain, be responsible for his sacrifice. Valerie?
JARRETT: The Secret Service won’t let Rahm take a ritual blade into the East Room to perform the rite, sir.
EMANUEL: No issue. I’ll disembowel myself in the corridor, then hold things in until I get to the podium.
OBAMA: Other volunteers? David?
AXELROD: My Chicago street smarts are a bust in Washington, sir. Since everybody says I look like a Soviet apparatchik, demote me to Special Envoy to Medvedev and pack me off to my beloved Moscow.
OBAMA: Done. Uh, Joe…
BIDEN: I’d volunteer to resign, Boss, but your numbers would go through the floor if people thought I had what it takes to be President.
OBAMA: Good point. Bob?
GIBBS: Washington has me pegged as the supercilious prig that I am, sir. Fire me and hold daily press briefings yourself.
OBAMA: Good Idea. If I can’t answer a question, I’ll check with myself later and get back to the reporter. Eric?
HOLDER: I’ve reversed 40 years of racial progress in my stewardship of Justice, sir. I’ll resign immediately and resume my career representing Guantanamo detainees.
OBAMA: Accepted. Ramsey Clark will take your place after he’s filed his war crimes brief against me at The Hague. Tim?
GEITHNER: I’m in over my head, sir. Bernie Madoff could turn things around on a dime.
OBAMA: Reach out to Madoff, Valerie. Offer him a pardon if he takes Treasury and keeps Social Security going another twenty years; after all nobody knows Ponzi schemes like Bernie. Hillary?
CLINTON: In the midst of world gloom, I’ve made people laugh again with my gaffes. So, I’m good, sir.
OBAMA: I suppose. Well, the bloodletting should mollify the MoveOn folks.
KLEIN: I’ll instruct the Cabal-leros to push the machismo angle of your aides’ sacrifice, El Caudillo. [cell rings] Yes? With a what? OK, I’ll pass it on. [hangs up] Trouble. Spence Ackerman just lost it. Tried to hit Ann Coulter in the face with 10 year-old fruitcake instead of a cream pie.
OBAMA: And the problem with that is?
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