CHRIS MATTHEWS: Tonight, Democratic National Committee Chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Welcome, Ma’m. Let’s play hardball.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Do me a favor, Chris. Call me Madame Chair, or Chairwoman, or even Chérie. Not M’am, which I find demeaning.
MATTHEWS: Ok, uh, Chérie. First up, a small thing: you used to be Wasserman dash Schultz. Now you’re just plain Wasserman Schultz. When did you lose your hyphen?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: I was sixteen, Chris, and Billy Collins and I were making out in his car at Lookout Point. Well, things got out of hand, and . . . .
MATTHEWS: Never mind. You wanna make a coupla outrageous claims about Republicans?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Sure. Wal-Mart and the Koch brothers plan to lay off 100,000 employees late next year to spike unemployment reports before the election.
MATTHEWS: Anything else?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Rick Perry wants illegals arrested and sentenced to three years hard labor picking cotton for Monsanto.
MATTHEWS: Muy loco.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Finally, Speaker Boehner’s proposing that African-Americans provide DNA evidence at the polls to prove they are who they say they are.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Jesse Jackson told me last week he’s been hearing the voices of long-deceased African-Americans pleading for retroactive enfranchisement. Oh, if only we still had the House.
MATTHEWS: Moving on, how will Democrats respond if the Supreme Court declares the health care law unconstitutional?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Thank you for not calling the Pee Pee ACA “ObamaCare,” Chris. It’s a calculated scatological insult unworthy of our friends on the other side of the islet. To answer your question, the Administration will continue implementing the law while the decision is appealed to the International Court at The Hague.
MATTHEWS: You’ve said the President has turned the economy around . . . .
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: He has. Last year the economy was blindfolded and wandering about aimlessly.
The President walked right up to Mr. Economy, removed the blindfold, grabbed his shoulders and pointed him toward the cliff, then gave him a shove in that direction. I call it leadership, Chris.
MATTHEWS: Your district’s in Florida and hurricane season is here. Hypothetical: a massive storm comes ashore and devastates the state. How would President Obama handle the catastrophe vs. say, George W. Bush?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: I reject your premise, Chris. Obama would use the great moral authority of the White House to reason with the storm and turn it away from land. I’ll tell you a secret: after surveying tornado damage recently, the President told me, “If I’m granted another term, I’ll work with Mother Nature to address the root causes of natural catastrophes.”
MATTHEWS: Yeah, he gave me the same line, too, in ’08. Said he foresaw a time in his administration when planetary forces inimical to man under Bush would agree to share the earth in peace with humanity. [retches]
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: You Ok?
MATTHEWS: Yeah, sure. Something I swallowed. What can we in the media do to help Democrats?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: No double-dip recession talk. Spike homeless-selling-their-organs and people-eating-dog-food stories. And for God’s sake, don’t reveal we’re getting CARE packages from Bangladesh.
MATTHEWS: The President’s wars–they bother you?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Not when the President’s a Democrat. But Obama promised me this: safely reelected, he’ll declare World War Free, disband our military, and commission the new Civilian National Security Force to protect his Administration from internal threats.
MATTHEWS: What’s the biggest lesson Democrats learned from the 2008 presidential campaign?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Rope lines.
MATTHEWS: Rope lines?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Even though candidate Obama had the chance encounter with Joe the Plumber, McCain locked up trades people as a result. This time around, the President’s team will microtarget professions in rope lines, using individuals we’ve vetted.
MATTHEWS: Ah . . . plants. As cameras roll, the President walks the line, shaking hands; he stops, seemingly at random, and has a positive exchange with, oh, Juanita the Motel Maid. Makes all the news shows. Afterward, “Juanita” disappears immediately so Fox can’t question her.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Exactly. Similar encounters will occur every couple of weeks until the election. We’ve already scheduled Gideon the Jewish OB-GYN, Ahmad the Rug Merchant, and Fulgencio the Miami Dock Worker.
MATTHEWS: Hmm. Could get old after a while.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Anticipated. We’ll mix in foils occasionally. You’ll see the President go toe-to-toe with Tom the Hedge Fund Manager, Arnold the Oil Speculator, and Roger the Big Pharma CEO. They’ll ask why he’s picking on them, he knocks it out of the park.
MATTHEWS: How will he know who they are?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: They’ll be the ones with GOP signs who aren’t being attacked by our supporters.
MATTHEWS: Finally, what’s your take on the Weiner affair?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: As a female, I am so disgusted by his lewd, unprincipled behavior, I’d like to neuter him myself. I’d call him a Neanderthal but I’d probably be maligning Neanderthals. Now, as a Democrat, I will miss his skill in fighting the Republican War on Women and his leadership in making the internet safe, evidenced by legislation he sponsored to target internet predators.
MATTHEWS: Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Come back again soon. Hey, you want to follow each other on Twitter?
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Don’t go there, Chris.