Like any entitled welfare addict, if you want to hear some squealing from Big Bird, all you have to do is hint that after decades of being on the government dole, maybe it's time to get off the taxpayer teat and take care of yourself.
After all, it's hard out here for a puppet that takes in a cool $50 million a year off of merchandising alone.
QUESTION: Why are taxpayers buried in $16 trillion in debt subsidizing a puppet richer than Mitt Romney?
ANSWER: That's racist.
Yesterday, however, it was okay to ask that question. Big Bird's creators even assured us they wouldn’t comment on the politics of it all:
'We are a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization,' the message read. 'We do not comment on campaigns, but we’re happy we can all agree that everyone likes Big Bird!'
And later they even told us that they don't our steenkin' tax dollars:
Sherrie Westin, executive VP and chief marketing officer of the Workshop, told CNN's Soledad O'Brien Thursday. But when they always try to tout out Big Bird, and say we're going to kill Big Bird – that is actually misleading, because Sesame Street will be here."
But that was yesterday.
A lot's changed since yesterday.
Not only did President Obama decide to make Big Bird another one of his campaign wedge issues, but overnight polls tightened considerably in OH, VA, and FL. This means that Big Bird's social workers at PBS got Barack's back today by howling like the spoiled, entitled welfare queens they really are:
“Governor Romney does not understand the value the American people place on public broadcasting and the outstanding return on investment the system delivers to our nation,” it said. “Elimination of funding would have virtually no impact on the nation’s debt. Yet the loss to the American public would be devastating.
Did you get that -- "Devastating."
Evil Romney's killing Big Bird! He's murdering Big Bird!
But devastating to who exactly -- a Bird that takes in a cool $50 million a year?
Here's the math: Big Bird makes at least $50 million a year and yet our government is still borrowing somewhere around a half Billion dollars of our grandchildren's money from China every year to fund Big Bird's sugar daddy, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
Is there some sort of affirmative action program I'm unaware of, where puppets that only make $50 million per year are subsidized by the taxpayers to ensure they make the same "fair share" as, say, the Muppets?
And how do the Muppets feel about being discriminated against -- being forced to make it out there without taxpayer help in the big bad free market? Cartoon characters like "The Simpsons" must be wondering why they're not enjoying all that corporate welfare.
Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny and American Dad must be furious to see the money they work so hard to make taken by the government and redistributed to loafers like Big Bird to make them "equally wealthy."
What a racket.
Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC