As we move into the overpraise season in Hollywood, here’s a new rule for nominees. If you come to the podium, have something to say. Anything. Thank a list, tell a joke…SOMETHING. You’re a professional performer, for goodness sake. The completely shocked gasping for air charade we got from Miss Winslet at the Golden Globes was a disingenuous farce. You can’t believe it? You mean during your 5 hours of hair and makeup or your multiple gown fittings it never occurred to you that you MIGHT POSSIBLY WIN? It’s not like they pulled you in off the street and plonked you down next to Leo. You had some time to mull it over. You couldn’t scratch out a few notes during the mud treatments while they changed your eye cucumbers? Your publicist didn’t mention that you statistically had a 20% shot in two different categories? You wouldn’t go on Leno without half rehearsing some shtick about your dog or the bad salad you made at your dinner party. But on an awards show with thirty times the audience you want extra ‘cute’ points for pretending to be so humble you never dreamed you might be called upon to waddle up to the mike?
Kate, come on. You’re in the only Holocaust movie. Can you say ‘lock’?
Here’s an option for all nominees going forward: you don’t have to go up there and be a nitwit. (“Gather…”) You can rise royally from your seat, pose and luxuriate in the applause and then park your clueless fanny back on the plush. We’ll DHL the dopey trophy to you and you can give it to your…whoever. The next winner will pick up the slack and you may even grab some Garbo mystery gloss.
It’s like a fair catch in football. Wave your arm and you don’t have to run it back. Just sit back down. No foul.
Or here’s an even more radical idea: you’re the master thespian…ACT like an award winner.
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