Now, in this hopeful Spring of post-partisan, post-racial and post-violent times, the world must come together to celebrate all this truth, justice, freedom and progress with a whole new slate of Nobel Prizes.
But these won’t be just any Nobel Prizes. They will be the Post-Obama Nobel Prizes named, of course, in honor of 2008 Nobel Peace Prize Winner and America’s greatest president, Barack H. Obama!
To be sure, no easy task this will be with so many great leaders to choose from in this constellation of statesmen around the world. But for the benefit of all mankind and historical posterity, we must push on.
Let’s start with the hardest award. Who in this world is a giant big enough to carry the mantle of peace bestowed upon us by 2008 Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack H. Obama?
How about Secretary of State John F. Kerry? It is true that he is personally responsible for a vast majority of peace in the world today — especially in the Middle East — capping decades of expertise droning on and on and on during Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearings. The problem is he will probably accept the medal, and then later change his mind and throw it away during a protest outside the White House.
What about Syrian President Bashar Assad? He has been wonderfully effective at eliminating so much discord in the streets of his very own country by using creative and invisible means of coercion that are by no means guilty of discriminating against anybody. The only problem being that Mr. Assad is not being very kind to the peace-loving Islamic State immigrants who have taken up in his beautiful country.
Unfortunately, Moammar Gadhafi is dead.
So, to play it safe, we probably should just give the Post-Obama Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama again for all of the wars he has ended and applauding him for the 181 countries in the world he has not bombed, not including the United States.
With that big award out of the way, the rest are actually pretty easy no-brainers.
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Nuclear Physics goes to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani for his unfettered expansion of centrifuges and other nuclear technologies in the face of widespread furrowed brows and finger shaking and red line-drawing from around the world.
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Medicine, of course, goes to Thomas Duncan of Liberia and now Dallas, who fearlessly and without regard for himself, his loved ones or anyone else on the planet did selflessly lie and board a plane in Monrovia and fly to Dallas, Texas, to share the Ebola virus with the new world.
It is a story of Love over Death. We will just have to wait and see exactly how many deaths his love will have triumphed over. If there were a Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Sharing, Thomas Duncan would get that, too.
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Literature goes to E.L. James with her book “Fifty Shades of Gray” for finally putting an end to conservatives’ war on women by demonstrating to men all over the world once and for all just how women really want to be treated.
Chivalry is finally dead for good! And “No” means “No” — except in cases where you know she really means “Yes!”
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Mathematics goes to Jeh Johnson of the Department of Homeland Security for being able to count all the tens of thousands of disease-ridden, parasite carrying, plague-spreading illegal children that have poured over the border this year. The vast majority of graduates of Chicago Public Schools cannot count that high.
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Community Organizing goes to none other than first lady Michelle Obama for her extraordinary successful campaign to end fatness among America’s school children. What parent could have dreamed that all you had to do is order schools to start serving children orange and green vegetable foods and they will happily gobble them all up!
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Economics goes to former President Jimmy Carter, who taught America how to ration gasoline, wear sweaters, welcome illegal criminals from other countries and generally deliver insufferable sermons of obnoxious piety.
The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Chemistry goes to North America’s favorite mayor, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Well, obviously.
And, finally, the Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Physics goes to Al Sharpton of MSNBC because he has such great physics ever since he went on a diet and lost 1,300 pounds, only 200 pounds of which was that giant Mercedes decal he used to wear on a chain around his neck.
Mr. Sharpton’s great physics today do not come entirely without some cost to the rest of us. Sadly, he has also put away all of those marvelous track suits that used to stretch nearly to the point of splitting at press conferences as he destroyed police careers, stirred up racial violence and blackmailed all of America’s greatest companies.
Which leads us to one of life’s most enduring questions: Why is it that people who exercise the least always seem to wear exercise clothes the most? And wear them everywhere they go? Perhaps that is a question for next year’s Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Physics.
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter at @charleshurt.