ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Cabinet Room in the West Wing, the Executive Broadcasting System presents the EBS Nightly News with Robert Gibbs.
GIBBS: Good evening. On our broadcast tonight:
The economy resurgent–unemployment drops to 18.4% as all signs point to a robust recovery.
Breakthrough–Iran’s Ahmadinejad pledges to halt ICBM production at 250.
Border wars–Attorney General Eric Holder offers automatic citizenship to undocumented Hispanics detained by Arizona police.
And finally, the First Lady has chosen sculptor Leif Bjornson to add the president’s image to Mount Rushmore. We’ll profile Mr. Bjornson.
More on those stories a bit later. But first, a live interview with the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Mr. President, thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
OBAMA: My pleasure, Marv. It’s a great opportunity for me to speak directly to the American people about the NBA without the media filter.
GIBBS: Uh, sir, it’s Bob Gibbs. You’re speaking with Marv Albert tonight. I’d like to ask you some questions about politics, not hoops.
OBAMA: Just messin’ with ya, Bob. Shoot.
GIBBS: Sir, despite everything you’ve done to make America more like a regular country and not a superpower, polls show many of your subj–uh, many citizens believe we’re headed in the wrong direction. What do you say to those people?
OBAMA: I say, “You don’t understand.” I say, “I’m on your side.” I say, “Limbaugh, Beck, Breitbart and the rest of the loony right are deliberately misrepresenting what I’m really all about,” because if that got out, Bob, their audience would be gone in a flash.
GIBBS: Please explain, sir.
OBAMA: The knock on me is that I seek redistribution of wealth to eliminate poverty and make people more dependent on government. That’s the canard the right has been pushing since I became president, Bob. In fact, the opposite is true. I’m not interested in redistributing wealth; I want to destroy it. Why? To force Americans to become leaner, harder, and more self-reliant so they’ll be prepared for the hardships ahead.
GIBBS: You don’t want everyone’s quality of life to be equal?
OBAMA: Yes, I do. Equally hard. You see, Bob, the only way this country understands that government is not the answer is to make it the answer. To paraphrase Marx, the sweetest sound of all is the crumbling of your countrymen’s certainties.
GIBBS: Karl Marx said that?
OBAMA: Groucho. Bob, civilizations are like people–they’re born, reach maturity, age, then die. One thing great cultures have in common before they become terminal: abundance. Now, look around you. Our country is so rich its poor are obese. That’s an ominous sign.
GIBBS: I think I get it, sir: before you were elected, Americans were fat and happy, oblivious to history bearing down on them like a freight train. Now we’re spooked, our adrenaline’s kicked in, we’re wondering if the economy’s going to implode, if the Iranians will lob one at Manhattan.
OBAMA: Exactly right, Bob. If we’re to weather this existential crisis, stave off the long, slow slide into oblivion, perhaps even emerge from the experience revitalized, we have to become hungry and fearful, like the least of the nations that envy us now. As the sage said, “Strive to be one of the many; being one of the few–eschew.”
GIBBS: God bless you, sir. Uh, Sun Tzu?
OBAMA: David Carradine. You know, Caine in Kung Fu?
GIBBS: Am I correct in saying you’re promoting a nanny state to wreck the economy on purpose to spark a new American Revolution?
OBAMA: It’s a controlled burn, Bob, as they say in the Forestry Service. Destruction, suffering, and death, but from the ashes, new growth. Couple hundred years, we take our place on the world stage again, stronger than ever.
GIBBS: Sir, I must say, you’re talking straighter to the American people than any president has since Lincoln. Why now?
OBAMA: The polls, Bob. To save the country, I decided I had to destroy my administration in order to salvage it.
GIBBS: “America chooses decline.” Sir, are Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid on board?
OBAMA: Yes, except the part about our resurgence. Philosophical difference there.
GIBBS: Many will call you a visionary, sir. Are you concerned that extreme elements of either party will make trouble for you?
OBAMA: What happens, happens, Bob. “In dreams begin prosecutions.” Fitzgerald.
GIBBS: F. Scott?
OBAMA: Patrick.
[enter First Lady]
MICHELLE: You two still at it? Well, wrap up. I need the Cabinet Room in five minutes for my Alinsky breakout session. You hear me, Barack?
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