16 Movements Less Ridiculous Than ‘Black Lives Matter’

Is the Klan still around? I ask because Black Lives Matter has been so busy turning the entire American population against its own cause, you have to wonder if BLM is an astroturfed ploy of the American Nazi Party or some related anti-black organisation.

You see, unrest is brewing again in Ferguson, Missouri on the one-year anniversary of the death of Michael Brown. And the Black Lives Matter movement has wasted no time proving itself petulant, hypocritical, ineffectual, and riddled with tantrum-throwing grievance-mongers, race-baiting bullies, and odious professional attention-seekers.

Just look at how they are terrorising Bernie Sanders. Prior to the Ferguson lootiversary, #BlackLivesMatter was keeping itself in the news by picking on Sanders and forcing him off stage. But these yarn-haired harpies screeching at a befuddled old socialist are not, as we say in the business, “good optics” – particularly for the BLM movement itself.

Not that I don’t love a bit of left-on-left violence, but is there a white person on earth less likely to end a black life than Bernie Sanders?

And now all the usual suspects are out in force again, tacitly – and in some cases not so tacitly – serving up excuses for murderers and thieves – the people President Obama has rightly called “thugs.”

Black Lives Matter is a confusing movement, since they seem to only care about certain black lives, while ignoring the rest. But I guess it’s more economical on Twitter to use a 16-character hashtag, as opposed to a more accurate name for the movement, such as #Black Lives Matter When Ended By Police Or Whites In A Manner That Can Be Exploited For Political And Financial Gain And No I Don’t Want To Look At Your Murder Statistics Shut Up Shut Up La La La I’m Not Listening Go Awaaaaaaay.

While Black Lives Matter continues to descend into comic uselessness, there nevertheless remain many social justice topics that require vigilance and grassroots activism. Therefore please find below a list of activist groups that have come to my attention, each of them worthy of your consideration and each palpably less entitled, ridiculous, and hypocritical than Black Lives Matter.

Some of them have been going for a long time; others are still nascent. But none of them is as preposterous and socially counter-productive as Black Lives Matter.

BLACK WIVES MATTER
With more than 71 per cent of black children born out of wedlock, black wives are an endangered species – though you won’t hear much about this from the likes of Vox and BuzzFeed. Black moms deserve a grassroots movement to put a little pressure on baby-daddies everywhere.

BLACK KNIVES MATTER
Gun crime gets all the glory, and the (black-wielded) pistol is the undisputed king of black murders. But knives deserve attention too, if only because knives are a lot less likely to take out innocent victims – an all-too-common story in warzones like Chiraq.

BLACK HIVES MATTER
Honey is a key ingredient for many soul food recipes. So where is the support for the vanishingly few black beekeepers? If Black Hives Matter is anything like Black Lives Matter, they will blame the dreaded Colony Collapse Disorder on neocolonial patriarchy and break up the next Vermont Beekeepers’ Association summer BBQ with shrieking about how the Queen Bee is only large and in charge because she’s internalised so much white male misogyny.

BLACK LIVES FATTER
Obesity is an American problem, but especially a black American problem. 4 out of 5 black women in the US are overweight or obese, yet the fat acceptance movement is primarily geared towards the whinging white whales of the Internet. Not any more! It’s time for fat acceptance to penetrate this new market.

BLACK TRIBES MATTER
If you can put the tissues down for a second and stop bawling about a fucking lion, you ridiculous emotional retards, perhaps spare a thought for the genocides occurring every day back in the home country. Because it’s not just in America that black people are slaughtering each other by the tens of thousands. Hmm. When you think about it, black Americans are actually pretty privileged…

BLACK ISRAELITES MATTER
Yes, they are completely crazy black Americans who one day decided they were descended from an ancient tribe from Israel, and yes, predictably, they are not recognised as Jewish by most Jews. But be honest. Who would you rather sit next to at Nando’s, Desmond Dekker or DeRay McKesson?

BLACK LICORICE MATTERS
In the United States, black liquorice is treated as the repugnant lesser sibling of red licorice, despite the fact that red licorice covers the actual flavour of licorice with cherry, strawberry, or other artificial flavours. A bit like how white people appropriate black culture, you might say! Only Black Licorice Matters. With your non-tax-deductable contribution, you can protect black licorice’s status in the candy world.

BLACK JIVE MATTERS
Stodgy academics have tried for decades to rebrand the language of black youths with euphemisms such as “ebonics” and “African American Vernacular English” but true aficionados will always recognise it as jive. This is actually the oldest organisation on the list, predating Black Lives Matter by more than 30 years, according to one documentary.

BLACK RUSSIANS MATTER
This group doesn’t exist to support a race of people, but rather a mixed drink. The Black Russian combines vodka with a coffee liqueur, such as Kahlua. It is often overshadowed by its cousin the White Russian, which, indigity of indignities, adds cream to the mix.

Like most black activists I secretly look down on mixed race people as somehow tainted. White Russians literally whitewash the Black Russian experience, and popularized by the film The Big Lebowski, which is horrifically triggering in its own right.

BLACK EMBRYOS MATTER
Black babies are aborted in horrific numbers in the US. In fact, the most dangerous place for a black person to be in America is in the womb. At least born black children have a chance of dodging gunfire: in your mother’s stomach, you have nowhere to run.

TRANS-BLACK LIVES MATTER
You knew this was coming, right? Black Lives Matter erases the experience of trans-blacks, but titans of the civil rights movement such as Rachel Dolezal, Godfrey Elfwick, and me deserve the support of the wider black community too. Remember, just because you weren’t born black doesn’t mean you have any less of a black experience or that you can’t waste police time with made-up hate crimes.

BLACK DICKS MATTER
It is an incontrovertible fact that the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice, and it is time for an activist group to stand up for this cause. Expect the donor pool to include a lot of gay men and white women. (I speak from experience.) This means the coffers will be overflowing because let me tell you, us chi-chi men got dollar.

BLACK SEX DRIVES MATTER
See above.

BLACK HOLES MATTER
Minds out of the gutter, please! This group is focused on equal rights for black holes, the most powerful celestial bodies in the universe but viciously slandered as “dangerous.” Yet another example of how the word “black” is applied to powerful and dangerous plane-swallowing entities. But expect some confusion at rallies from punters expecting this to be a sister movement – amirite?! – to Black Dicks.

BLACK FRIDAY MATTERS
Black Friday is a gay holiday that enshrines our noblest tradition and most assertive genetic predisposition – maxing out the boyfriend’s AmEx – in an annual festival of consumption and regret. Known for insane deals luring shoppers out as early as midnight, the Black Friday Matters movement is a diversity initiative aimed at encouraging African-American shoppers to save money on plasma TVs and iPads instead of looting them from Walmart at the first sign of police presence.

MILO’S LIFE MATTERS
Notwithstanding the many glorious contributions to our national culture made by movements such as Black Lives Matter, this group is why I won’t actually be visiting Ferguson, Baltimore, Detroit, or Oakland any time soon. Sorry, no offence, but it’s true.

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