Have you ever considered that there might be a good reason some animals are nearing extinction? And that it would be better if they just died off?
Let’s get one thing straight: animals are here for our culinary enjoyment, our utility, and occasionally our comedic pleasure. Basically the rule is: if you can’t eat it or ride it, it is pointless. I’m always telling friends to “go green.” What they don’t realise I mean is: eat a turtle.
I was moved to draw up a list of animals that deserve to be extinct by Jim Treacher of another parish, who has waged an admirable, multi-year crusade against the unspeakable grotesque that is the panda.
Such headlines as “Pandas Do Not Have Personalities,” “Panda Fakes Pregnancy, Because Pandas Are Evil Liars,” “Scientists Prove It: Pandas Are Morons,” “Pandas Are Violent Monsters And Must Be Destroyed,” and of course his magnum opus “All Pandas Must Die” have served as an inspiration to us all.
You see, it’s not necessary to like animals just because they’re “cute,” and indeed the fawning baby-talk and excessive sentimentality showered on these dumb beasts by bleeding-heart liberals in fact only makes right-thinking people like Mr. Treacher and I deeply suspicious.
Would you, for instance, even notice if there were no more MACAQUES?
No. Animals are not people, and quite frankly it’s pathetic the way some of you have been carrying on recently. These wild creatures are not your friends: a brave, noble lion just mauled the hell out of a safari guide in the park Cecil was from.
In the words of Mr. Treacher: Lions and tigers and bears, just die! Here are a few endangered animals we should push off the cliff.
RHINOS. Hideous, stinking monsters. Stop pretending they have a purpose beyond being hunted. Plus their disappearance will cut down “Are you horny?” jokes on the internet by at least 0.8 per cent, which is a huge win.
ELEPHANTS. Who needs them? They may have a long memory, but as far as I am concerned they are the original fat acceptance campaigners.
Porpoises are especially redundant, in particular the YANGTZE FINLESS PORPOISE, which is Chinese, stupid looking, and not even a proper whale. Why bother. Dolphins are fine because they’re smart and you can eat them. So are sharks, which scare small children.
The VAQUITA, another kind of porpoise, can definitely die out. Sorry, but it just sounds like a Mexican hooker.
Let’s give up on ZEBRAS. Their fetching stripes can be easily faked and zebra meat is sooo stringy. Also, only the tackiest of Croydon sex workers would wear zebra print.
Have you seen a PROBOSCIS MONKEY?
As for all those ocean plants and weird insects, give me a break. You say “conservation,” I hear neoreactionary resistance to progress. Look: biodiversity is just another word for weakness.
QUOKKAS. If the only reason people even know you exist is because you were featured on BuzzFeed, then natural selection needs to take care of you, like, yesterday.
Of course, there are plenty of animals that aren’t endangered but should be. Why stop at those animals whose numbers are already perilously low? The following creatures definitely deserve to be finished off.
SQUIRRELS. Red, grey, who gives a stuff any more? They’re nothing but rats with pimped-out tails and it takes about a million of them to make a decent coat. Utterly pointless.
While we’re at it, RED PANDAS might be a sensation on Twitter, but they are just as revolting as the normal kind and to be honest they’re just squirrels in drag anyway.
BEES. I like wasps. Wasps are nasty fuckers. They can sting you over and over again until you’re bleeding and in agony. I like wasps for the same reason I like Kanye West: because I’m a dick. But bees? Well, they’re crap, aren’t they? One stab and they’re dead. What monumental moron came up with that? Bees are the most powerful argument against the existence of God I can think of. I know everyone says without bees there’d be no us because their whole pollination schtick is, like, really important to the delicate balance of Mother Gaia’s ecosystemic harmony or whatever. But I’d like to test that theory.
BADGERS. Fuzzy cunts. What purpose does this thing have besides being the ‘den mother’ lesbian of the animal kingdom? Get them out of the plains and onto our plates.
SEAGULLS. One of these winged rats crapped on a charcoal suit of mine in 2007 and ten dry cleans later you can still make out the bloody stain. This may seem like an excessive response to a single incident, but IT WAS ARMANI.
CRICKETS. Seriously shut up.
GOLDFISH. Because any creature that can’t remember one of my tweets for more than five seconds has no purpose in this world.
Any SMALL TOY DOG incapable of ripping off a burglar’s face.
ALL PARROTS. Because nowadays, if a lonely human being wants to wallow in the nihilistic fruitlessness of a one-sided conversation, they have the internet.
PENGUINS. Ridiculous and idiotic. I know it’s not fair to blame them entirely for Happy Feet, but, you know.
Obviously, SWANS. I saw a production of Swan Lake a few years back with most of the members of One Direction in my box. They were also sitting next to me. Not worth the hassle.
I welcome further recommendation from readers. For instance, this morning someone suggested to me that we could live without foxes, too.
I’m not sure about that. What would my posh mates chase through the countryside before allowing their hounds to rip apart and feast on its raw flesh? Treehuggers? Local Liberal Democrat councillors? Alright, I’ll give it some thought.