This Heartwarming #killallwhitemen Story Will Make You Laugh, Wince and Puke

My new favourite journalist is a guy called Max Benwell. Here’s how he begins his latest awesomely shareable piece for the Independent headlined As a white man, I’m surprised more women aren’t tweeting the hashtag #KillAllWhiteMen

Men – be honest. Have you ever found yourself walking home at night, and been stopped in the street by a woman masturbating at you? Or has a woman ever followed you down the street, while shouting that she wants to “shag” you? Likewise, white people: has someone ever followed you around a shop suspiciously? Have the police ever stopped and searched you for no reason? Has someone shouted a racial slur at you, or treated you as somehow inferior to them because of your race?

If you have, then I’m sure you’ll be letting me know. But my guess is that for most of you, the answer is: no, of course you haven’t. Which is why, as a white man, I don’t really mind when I saw Bahar Mustafa, Goldsmiths’ Diversity Officer, tweet “#KillAllWhiteMen”.

The reason I so love this boy is, well, lots of reasons actually – starting with the way his veritable Madeleine of a blogpost has taken me right back to the days when I too was young, stupid and prepared to do anything, absolutely anything, no matter how humiliating or sordid or demeaning or sad or desperate to get myself inside a half-way attractive girl’s knickers.

Looking at Max’s byline photograph I see a perfectly presentable young man (nice line in quizzical, intellectual expressions, a decent head of hair and some very acceptable glasses) who really ought to have no problem scoring. But Max – such is the insecurity of youth: I remember it well – probably doesn’t realise this, which is why he’s had to churn out this truly desperate piece of femiloon bilge.

The technical term for it, I believe, is “white-knighting.” Basically, you need a shag desperately, so what you do to get past the Siegfried-Line-like defences of the new and terrifying breed of female who believes a la Lena Dunham that every man is a rapist is tell them the kind of shit they like to hear. Or, better still, write it up as a blogpost in an impeccably right-on newspaper like the Independent.

Hence young Max’s article.

I don’t blame him for what he has done. Hell no! When you’re his age I believe it is absolutely vital to sow your wild oats as widely as possible. (If it was good enough for the young Prince Charles – and it was, or so his beloved Uncle Dickie Mountbatten used to advise him, then it’s good enough for young Max).

On the contrary, I’m just filled with admiration for the way he slathers on the feminista drivel – coming across like a complete Mangina – in a manner so far beyond the call of duty it borders on self-parody. (Steady Max: the Sisterhood are very serious. If they think you’re mocking them then it’s hasta la vista jiggy jiggy, Max baby).

Anyway, just a couple more of my favourite bits.

I love this one:

“Of course it’s not ok to actually kill anyone, let alone tweet about it,” Dr. Linda Chavers, who lectures in African-American studies, told me. “But for some reason nuance goes out the door when a non-white person dares to demonstrate intelligence and play with language. It’s crazy the level of vitriol that people of colour face for emoting anything besides graceful quiet graceful sorrow.”

Wow! He actually managed to pick up the phone, speak to an African-American studies lecturer, and jotted down her opinions without laughing and like they meant something. Now that is what I call dedication to duty.

Then this bit at the end, which is just gold.

As someone once put it on Twitter – “the most radical, the absolute, most revolutionary political act a white person can do is shut the fuck up”. So, with all the requisite self-awareness, I’ll be quiet now. White men – will you join me?

Oh wow, Max. You are the business. All those PETA girls, the veggies, the feministas, the Social Justice Amazons, the ones with short hair who look a bit like boys and you fear might be lesbians but actually aren’t allowing you to play to your gay side while remaining resolutely heterosexual. Oh… as Doctor Seuss used to say… the places you’ll go!

If only I’d had your sense when I was your age. I was a Conservative. And a fat lot of good it did me.


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