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UnAmerican! Animal Rights Activists Protest Dodger Dogs on Fourth of July Weekend

Five animal rights activists stormed the field at Dodger Stadium in the top of the ninth on Sunday to protest Dodger Dogs. A greater number, 41,831, did not.

The Dodger Dog demonstrators protested neither price nor taste but food group. “Dodgers Torture Animals,” read one of their banners. Safer just to sell a Dodger Danish.

In a televised counterprotest, Vin Scully noticed the grandstanders escaping the grandstand for the diamond by announcing a decision not to notice them. “Oh, my goodness,” the broadcaster exclaimed. “Well, we don’t show ’em—not if we can help it. We’ll look at the sky, we’ll look at the flags—anything but foolish kids running on the field. And they’re kids.”

And if anyone knows kids, it’s 88-years-young Vin Scully.

“The LA Dodgers relentlessly promote their ‘Dodger Dogs’ as fun, family-friendly fare,” Zoe Rosenberg, a representative of a group called Direct Action Everywhere informed in a press release after the direct action breaking up the action at Chavez Ravine, “but the truth is that Dodger Dogs are made from piglets who were taken from their family, thrown into a massive prison, and tormented by disease and neglect that would horrify any family.”

The families in Dodger Stadium seemed horrified alright. They booed the clothed streakers—self-respecting ones always disrobe—and cheered the resumption of baseball, which resulted in a 4-1 win for the home team over the Colorado Rockies that completed a series sweep.

And it’s just such a group of complacent fans (oxymoron?) the activists seek to enrage (perhaps they enjoyed too much success, albeit of the unintentional kind, on this count). “While celebrating freedom and family,” Direct Action Everywhere claimed in a news release, “Americans are supporting captivity, violence, and forced separation for countless animals.” Because said Americans appear to love the anthropomorphic pigs (think Wilbur, Babe, and Porky) that they name more than the barnyard ones that they eat (think bacon, sausage, and pork chops), Direct Action Everywhere named one “Miley” to humanize swine. But as Miley sings, “We Can’t Stop”—eating frankfurters.

Alas, the activists appear slightly misinformed. The carnivores in the bleachers not only consume pigs when devouring Dodger Dogs, but cows, too. It’s a pork-beef blend (the Super Dodger Dog relies on cattle alone), making it a dual-quadruped holocaust. Ungulates of the world, unite!

The Fourth of July Weekend seems a strange time to break the hot dog addiction. But for those declaring the independence of the oinking creatures dependent on their animal-rights overlords the holiday seems as good a time as any to demonstrate. This same group protested eating turkey on Thanksgiving at Ford Field last year, after all. Two turkeys invaded the field with an “it’s not food, it’s violence” sign, which surely acts as a sign of the like discussed near the end of the Bible.

“It’s embarrassing for the hard working fellows who have to restore peace and quiet,” Scully, in full Joe Friday-mode at this point, observed. “But they have to do it. And the kids are making it difficult. They’re not going to walk. They have to be dragged.”

Humans who portray pigs as people occasionally act like pigs. Lucky for them we put them in a cell instead of a bun.

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