Christmas Day is upon us, a day of celebration for Christians AND Hollywood: Christmas Day is the day when many blockbuster and Academy Award wannabes are released. If you’re a screenwriter jonesing for an Oscar, how do you prove you’re part of the “cool clique” in Hollywood deserving of recognition by your Hollywoodite peers? Why, by trashing the very schlubs who may be thinking of shelling out 10 bucks plus to see your new movie as a bunch of zombies, vampires and werewolves.
Were you thinking of seeing “Nine”? Well, sucks to be you, doesn’t it?
“Nine” Screenwriter Michael Tolkin
Ah yes, the Academy Awards – specifically, Best Picture. And maybe in this case, Best Screenplay. (Only the actual winners get excited about categories like Best Makeup and Best Editing.) Best Picture winners don’t necessarily reflect a movie’s popularity with the public, but often the political statement the movie makes – or, perhaps, statements made by those closest to it – like the screenwriter.
Yep, Michael Tolkin may have written a movie about an “arrogant, self-absorbed movie director” looking for meaning in his art (is this based on a true story???), but he’s positive that the bitter clingers who populate Middle America don’t have a clue either, and he’s prepared to educate the masses.
In an op-ed for the LA Times, Tolkin discusses what he calls “The Vampirization of America.” Using the current rage for werewolves, vampires, zombies and wizards in popular culture as a metaphor, his comparisons reminds us of the tedious essays that we had to write in high school, looking for hidden meaning in books we hated, like Slaughterhouse Five and anything written by Ernest Hemingway. Tolkin takes this art form to a whole new level by applying it to something he hates – those bitter clingers.
In a nutshell, those who elected Obama are part of the youthful Harry Potter “wizard brigade” who may be feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse at the moment, but can be excused “seeing as they do that they’re surrounded now by Zombies, the tea baggers, a growling mob of brain-dead idiots led by the Vampires.”
And who are these scary creatures?
“The Zombies are the muddled herd of the maggoty brain-dead, reduced by their confusion to singular obsessions. What upsets them about Obama’s origins is that he has actual proof of human birth. They are the Living Dead in George Romero’s shopping mall, no money, no credit, still shopping. They’re the embarrassing reflection of our lives…”
If you went to a Tea Party, you’re a Zombie Tea-Bagger Birther. Of course, back in the day, those who believed that George W. Bush lied about his service in the Texas Air National Guard – like Dan Rather and Mary Mapes (and Mapes actually knew the story was a big lie) – were also “reduced by their confusion to singular obsessions.” But their cause was a righteous one, as I recall.
“The Vampires are the aristocracy of the undead, who can, at least, talk. The Vampires are the fear mongers, the talk show hosts, the politicians who can’t find a way to give health insurance to children, much less adults; the bankers, Ponzi schemers, drug company lobbyists, the theologians of prosperity. We can’t understand them without first considering why they’re in a symbolic war against the Lycanthropes.”
Vampires are talk show hosts? Is he including Keith Olbermann in that mix? And the greatest Ponzi scheme of all time surely must be the government’s Social Security program, which is estimated to go bankrupt by 2037. But never mind, I’m sure he was talking about the eeevil Glenn Beck and that theologian of prosperity Rush Limbaugh. And, of course, that convenient punching bag Bernie Madoff. I do wonder how much Tolkin earned for his screenplay. Perhaps he wrote it “pro bono” so he wouldn’t commit the sin of being prosperous. Oh, and for your brain dead zombies out there, “lycanthrope” is a big word that means “werewolf.” You’re welcome.
Speaking of werewolves:
The Werewolves are closer to the Wizards than the Zombies, but are maligned by the Vampires. Werewolves are not the undead, they are the humans split between control and abandon, between society and rage. Every politician or sports figure caught for scandal is a werewolf. In the beginning years of this mythology, Bela Lugosi’s Dracula deserved the spike in his heart, he was a mournful villain, but still a villain, while Lon Chaney Jr.’s Wolfman was caught tragically by his blood disease, and knew he needed to die for the protection of those he loved. He was a hybrid, no different in that sense than Spider-Man or the Hulk or a Prius.
The Werewolves are being targeted by the Vampires because that part of them which is still human, and still alive, is the great threat to the Vampires; one may say that the alliance of the Wizards and Werewolves is all that can save us from the Vampires and their army of Zombies.
Tiger Woods is a werewolf. So was the left’s sweetheart, Bill Clinton. Poor babies. But Sarah Palin is not a Werewolf despite the Herculean effort to pin scandal after scandal upon her because…
Show me your neck!
Palinism is vampirism, as she leads her army of Zombies, who refuse to concede that carbon dioxide levels are man-made because they want the world to heat up, because they are cold and dead and want to burn or drown everyone else, because death is jealous of life.
Palinistic Vampirism controls the Zombies, and uses them as proxies to call for the massacre that the Vampires are too clever to ask for themselves. But they do want blood. There is no vegetarian vampire, and vampires are always and only liars. Werewolves, like any dog who steals from the table, may be liars, but unlike the Vampires, they don’t want power. The Vampires can’t be reasoned with.
(Pssst…Michael…here’s a tip: you aren’t supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.)
I guess Climategate was a figment of my imagination. Those scientists didn’t manipulate evidence or express private doubts of the earth heating up or suppress data, right? Perhaps Tolkin missed that story because he was living in a cave, sans heat, electricity and running water, in order to cut down on his personal “carbon footprint.” And I suppose he’s going to quit writing screenplays because the movie industry has one of the biggest “carbon footprints” on the planet.
But don’t worry, fellow monsters, because “underneath the death cult [you’re] scared, and that fear in its way is proof of [your] humanity.” So let go of your fear. Ignore the revelations of Climategate, embrace global warming and give up your right to live the way you see fit, allowing UN bureaucrats and their US counterparts to dictate your every move. Because who wants to be a zombie, vampire or werewolf?
If you want to further redeem yourself in the eyes of Michael Tolkin and his Hollywoodite friends who know so much more than you do about – well, just about everything, be sure to part with your money and see “Nine.” Fine art cleanses the soul (and your wallet).
And I’ve heard he’s already cleared a space on his mantel for his Oscar. Help a guy out, would you?
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