Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert Challenges Americans to Do Jobs Illegals Won't

Here’s my response to Stephen Colbert’s ‘Take Our Jobs!‘ challenge that asks Americans to do the work illegals now do…

One grows weary of having to repeat the same defense of our immigration laws, (indeed, the defense of our entire American way of life). But, for those who either have short memories, or, rather than pay attention in high school, preferred to gaze idly out the window during U.S. History class — or are just woefully and irretrievably short of clue…let’s review.


We are a nation of LAWS. The so-called ‘undocumented immigrants’ are, in fact, ILLEGAL ALIENS…and every one of them is breaking Federal Law being in this country without having gone through existing proper, legal channels to acquire documentation in order to come into and remain inside our country.

Our desire to be able to buy low-cost produce is among the weakest of arguments for open borders and/or amnesty. These concerns are trumped by our societal attempt to shun anarchy and remain a republic, maintain our designation as ‘a nation of laws’, as well by a growing concern for national security … but I digress. Back to undocumented field workers.

Everyone has a price. There is a wage for which virtually anyone will work — and at virtually any sort of job. As weird as it sounds, if the hourly wage were high enough, college grads and white collar workers would put on their jeans, don wide-brimmed hats and get out in the fields. A lot of the older guys, unaccustomed to the demands of such arduous, monotonous work would probably quickly say FTS! and quit — leaving a shortage of labor to bring in the crop; so the younger guys would more than likely get a pay increase just to keep them around. And those who just had to have their leafy green (and chose to afford it)…would end up paying maybe $20 for a head of lettuce.

For a brief time.

The FREE MARKET has a way of working these things out. But, for sake of argument, let’s suppose that all illegal labor was suddenly stopped. Farmers could no longer employ illegal immigrant labor. The demand for lettuce is still there…but there is a limit to which most people will pay per head, and a large majority will simply go without…or find some other alternative.

Lettuce sales would fall off. Only the rich would pop for it. But the demand would remain high, even get higher — which would prompt some enterprising dude to come up with a new method, probably a machine to harvest lettuce. And until the price climbed that high, this dude had no MOTIVATION to go to risk the expense and invest the sweat-equity to develop this new machine. But now, with his new machine…geez, he’s raking in the profits to satisfy market demand…and his new business is booming. So, what does an enterprising new innovator do? He EXPANDS his business to keep up with the demand. And he rents or buys a larger building and HIRES more workers to make this new machine. Soon, his machines can harvest enough lettuce so that the farmers can sell each head to the stores for 50 cents a head. The price is once again low enough for everybody to be able to afford a head of lettuce. Lettuce-growing is booming, every farmer wants one of his machines …and he opens up manufacturing outlets all over the country, and eventually all over the world.


End of story? No! The world economy is dynamic. Other industrious innovators see this guy’s success and they work hard and develop a newer, even more efficient machine to harvest lettuce. And they open up new outlets and compete for that big lettuce market. And now there are several companies vying for that business, each one trying to grab a share of the huge world-wide market.

At this point, perhaps the original innovator simply sells his patent to a large firm and walks away rich to retire on an island somewhere. Or, more likely, he rolls up his sleeves, takes the competition on, and fine tunes his original machine to produce even better, more cost-effective results. His was the first, so his name carries much gravitas in lettuce-harvesting machine manufacturing (he’s well-branded by now), and he decides to take part of his company and devote it to PRODUCT DIVERSIFICATION. He gets his guys to develop other labor-saving machines. Strawberry pickers…tomato harvesters…bean pluckers. Pretty soon his name rivals John Deere in the farm machinery market. And he wouldn’t have gone the extra mile to develop and branch off into these other enterprises without the COMPETITION of other companies trying to take away his market share.

As a result, his industry builds, he expands his corporation further and he opens up new manufacturing facilities in this country and world-wide. Providing JOBS for hundreds of thousands. And not getting-heat-stroke-kneeling-in-the-fields jobs…but working inside an air-conditioned, high-tech assembly plant. Which approach do you think is the most ‘compassionate’?

This is how the free market works…and works quite well…when left alone. At no point was a government ‘correction’ or some other intrusive regulation needed to help the ‘working families’. At no point was it useful to have some union thug approach this enterprising innovator and use pressure tactics and/or EXTORTION to force him to pay his workers more than both he and they had, by FREE CHOICE, agreed to.


In fact, at no point is COERCION necessary at all – regardless of the whining, sanctimonious complaints of the myriad of hand-wringing, freedom-squelching, meddlesome community activist groups hell-bent on bullying and blackmailing out some hoped-for Politically Correct utopian outcome… so they can look good in the hood and run for public office.

Nope. FTS. All of the above actions were done VOLUNTARILY in an unfettered spirit of INNOVATION and FREEDOM.

Welcome to CAPITALISM.

This is America. It’s not that we just ‘got lucky’ in the roulette Big Spin of history. It’s not that we were simply brutal and larcenous to have ‘grabbed all the goodies’ on this continent and given everyone else the boot. And it’s not that we are a particularly better people than peoples anywhere else on the earth; after all, America is made up of all the peoples of the earth, a ‘melting pot’, united in one monolithic quest – the desire to be free.

No, it’s nothing very complicated that explains why America is so very exceptional: It’s because we have the best system of self-governance and free-enterprise that has ever been devised in the history of mankind. Thank you Jefferson, Madison, Adams, Franklin, Washington, Hamilton, et al.

I’d call you guys ‘genius’, but my style is just to say — you ROCK.

In my wayward, college-addled youth, I had the ol’ Easy Rider beer-goggles on. And I, like so many of my generation, saw nothing but fault… nothing but deficiency… nothing but malfunction… when I looked out at America. But when I grew up I put away childish things, and a new clarity descended upon me. Maybe God had a hand in that – I like to think He did.

I began to see America with a new, clearly focused vision. And though there was no ignoring her faults, and there have been many…I began to appreciate her attributes and advantages. And I began to see not only her exceptionalism…but her greatness.

We are the good guys. We are America. And we do have a truly great system of self-government and free-enterprise. I don’t know about you, but I won’t sit back and let that system be ‘fundamentally transformed’. Not by inattention, apathy or default. Not by distraction. And not by Executive Order. And I will be G-Damned if I will stand by and watch some bowing, Marxist, dictator-loving, redistributionist empty-suit community organizer fundamentally transform my nation into yet another collectivist Eurotrash oligarchy of a bankrupt hellhole. Not in my movie, bucko – not while this Citizen Soldier stands guard.

I will live to see America restored to American values, or die trying.

God bless the United States of America.