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Ninja Turtles & Anal Hygiene: A Second Open Letter to Nickelodeon

Ninja Turtles & Anal Hygiene: A Second Open Letter to Nickelodeon

Ariana Urbont, you are a pioneer in the shock marketing of children’s shows. We salute you. My open letter Monday (or maybe this one) prompted an immediate response from Nickelodeon’s Urbont, which we will now address. We sent a second open letter to Nickelodeon West Coast Vice President Ariana Urbont:

Re: Regarding Ninja Turtles and anal hygiene

Dear Ms. Ariana Urbont,

I want to applaud you and Nickelodeon for the courageous stand you took yesterday against bullying. Iam fed up with seeing Presidents and Vice Presidents of majorchildren’s broadcasters getting pushed around by “concerned parents.” I think we all recognize that “concern” is a red herring — a pretext to excuse bullying. Does anyone believe these parents’ real concern is the loss of their 5 year olds’ innocence? Please. 

A lesser VP would have concluded preserving, as the face of achildren’s show, a vicious and uniquely vulgar misogynist who publicly sexually humiliated a cancer survivor, MS victim and soon-to-be First Lady was an untenable position. After Jason Biggs not only made these remarks but went on to taunt those who objectedfor days afterwards, a woman of lesser character than you wouldhave found another front man she could present as a hero to kindergartners. 

A lesser executive would have been concerned with saving her job orthe company’s reputation, but there is a principle at stake here. You can’t put a price on that. Somebody has to teach bullies a lesson, and for that I salute you. 

If Nickelodeon can’t knowingly hire actors who publicly boast about hiring prostitutesto lead the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without getting run off theair by “concerned parents,” then what did all those soldiers die for? And if sexual assault isn’t hilarious, I don’t know what is.  

With that said, I do have some concerns you might not win this one. I don’t know if you know this, but there’s a war on women going on in this country. 

Did you see the look in Megyn Kelly’s eyes when she reported this story on Fox News?  I’m not sure she’s going to let this one go. Like Michelle Malkin and Dana Loesch,Kelly has this thing about attractive, respectable, hard-workingmothers being subjected to nauseatingly sexist attacks for beingnon-liberals (I know, right? Take a joke! About your anus…). 

I can understand how you might have misjudged how explosive this would be. This really could have gone either way. Sometimeschildren’s show stars hire prostitutes, sexually degrade women inpolitical attacks, teach kids about masturbation and anal bleaching ontwitter, and ridicule Christians for believing in God, and the wholething blows over in a couple days. 

My professional advice going forward is to keep doing what you’re doing. Whileyou’re going to have to fire Biggs once Bill O’Reilly takes this up(it’s coming), it’s best to drag it out as much as possible. Youwant people to know how tough it is to determine where the line is andhow thoroughly you appreciate the moral nuances involved here.  

You also want people to know that it was only the fear of losingtheir money via advertisers that made you do it, not some sort ofindependent moral decision. This flatters them, and that’smuch more important than reassuring them they can trust your moraljudgment on behalf of their 5 year olds. 

Also, think of all the publicity you’ll get! If you can hold out until the presidential candidates have to comment on it, TMNJ will be all the talk among every six year old in the country once they hear prostitutes and anal penetration are involved. They’ll be dying to watch the show and see what the fuss is about. Parents won’t be able to stop them. You can’t lose!

Sincerely yours,

Simon and Maria Templar


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