The far-left New York Times reports 25 comedies and dramas were released in movie theaters over the last three months, and they all bombed. But…
The Times won’t admit why.
“Some were heavily marketed. Many were championed by critics. Most had star power,” writes the Times. “But not one of the 25 dramas and comedies that movie companies released in North American theaters over the past three months has become a hit, certainly not in the way that Hollywood has historically kept score.”
What does the Times blame? Everything but what’s really to blame: the pandemic, streaming, the shortened window between a theatrical release and a home video release, and home theaters:
During the pandemic, Hollywood largely ended the long-held practice of giving theaters an exclusive window of about 90 days to show new movies. Instead, movies started to become available for digital rental or purchase after as little as 17 days.
This diminished the incentive to see movies in theaters — especially dramas and comedies, which play just fine on living room TVs.
First, I’ll knock down these lame-o excuses one by one, and then I’ll lay out the real reasons these movies flopped.
“During the pandemic”—oh, just shut up about the pandemic. That was five years ago.
“[M]ovies started to become available for digital rental or purchase after as little as 17 days.” Dummies, that is a symptom, not a cause. The early home video release is not causing people to stay home instead of going to the theater. It’s the exact opposite: people not going to the theater causes the early home video release. That’s why box office hits take much longer to arrive on pay-per-view than box office bombs. Duh.
“[D]ramas and comedies, which play just fine on living room TVs.” But comedies and dramas have always played “just fine on living room TVs.” Everyone acts like bigscreen TVs and surroundsound is a new technology that came out in 2021 when this technology has been around and affordable for decades.
Which brings me to the old canard about how streaming is killing theatrical…
Why? Why would streaming hurt the movie business? This makes zero sense.
For decades, we have had a hundred channels available to us through cable and satellite TV, which means a ton of content. We’ve had our own home video collections for decades. This never stopped us from going to the movies. Other than the delivery system, why would streaming stop us? This makes no sense.
So here’s why those 25 movies flopped.
- Appeal
These movies obviously held no appeal for moviegoers. Thanks to political correctness, woketardery, a lazy dependence on gross-out gags (that got way too gross), and unappealing stars like Will Ferrell and Seth Rogen, comedies have not been funny for 20 years.
Dramas are not much better. Rather than speaking to our shared human condition, most dramas climb up their own ass into a world of preachy politics, attempting to normalize deviancy, trashing normal things like masculinity, and pushing narcissism as a virtue. Drama has become self-involved and polarizing rather than universal.
Everyone’s pointing to Christy, the Sydney Sweeney boxing drama about Christy Martin that flopped, despite good reviews.
Who wants to see a bloated Sydney Sweeney swallowing blood in a story about a ’90s boxer no one’s heard of who discovers she’s a lesbian? No one. No one. NO ONE. Who’s the audience for that movie? NO. ONE. Who can relate to that movie? NO. ONE.
- Movies Mostly Suck Today
They just do. They suck today. Once upon a time, you almost always walked out of a movie floating a bit because you’ve just had a great time or learned something about yourself, or were moved in some way. Today, you walk out feeling ripped off or trying to convince yourself you weren’t ripped off.
If I weren’t overpaid to review movies, I would hardly go anymore. The only movie I can think of that really hit home of late was last year’s Anora. A total delight. Funny, sexy, original, and it had something to say about who we are as human beings.
- Most Movie Stars are Assholes
Why would I go see a movie starring someone who hates me?
If Ronald McDonald ran around calling Trump voters Nazis, everyone knows it would hurt that business. If Tony the Tiger pointed at Trump supporters and said, “You’rrrre racist,” everyone knows it would hurt that business. Well, movie stars are the face of the movie business and most movie stars are assholes. Why won’t the entertainment media admit that entertainment is not the only industry in the solar system immune to this fallout?
- Movies Have Become Sexless
Sex sells. Always has. I’m not asking for porn or sleaze, but a little sensuality and sexiness go a long way towards making a movie memorable. We mostly remember movies by how they made us feel, and if we fall in love or lust with the leading lady, we want to see more of her. That’s why no one wanted to see Sydney Sweeney playing a bloated, pale lesbian.
This is how stupid Woketard Hollywood is…
Although this new Running Man movie is obviously aimed at young men who love action, the sex appeal is all aimed at the ladies. Star Glen Powell is frequently shirtless and, in one extended scene, nude. Us guys get nothing. If you’re a guy, the movie is completely asexual and sterile Puritanism. It’s truly ridiculous.
You want people to go to the movies again? Give us a reason to go. Make movies for Normal People again, dummies.
John Nolte’s first and last novel, Borrowed Time, is winning five-star raves from everyday readers. You can read an excerpt here and an in-depth review here. Also available in hardcover and on Kindle and Audiobook.
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