Recently I heard from a Marine officer with unique insight on the Osama bin Laden takedown. My friend thought the president did a pretty good job announcing the death of Osama bin Laden on Sunday night, but wondered why “diversity” professionals in the Pentagon did not write the story with their usual spin. Here’s his re-write, cleared by the PC Police:
Dateline: The White House — Monday, May 2, 2011
Yesterday the President ordered a raid against an al Qaeda compound in Abbottabad, an affluent suburb of Islamabad, Pakistan. A small U.S. team found Osama bin Laden living in a large house in the center of a secured compound. The raid accomplished its objective, and 9/11 mastermind bin Laden no longer is a threat to America.
President Obama privately assured world leaders that although the U.S. finds some satisfaction in Mr. bin Laden’s demise, this does not mean that he thinks American culture is superior to any other. Nor should international leaders assume that military action was America’s first choice. We are all citizens of the world.
It can now be revealed that Mr. Obama had extended the hand of friendship to Mr. bin Laden, and would have much preferred to arrange a “beer summit” in the back yard of the White House to discuss their differences. However, since Mr. bin Laden wanted to express his personhood by bringing a rusty knife to the summit, with the intent to saw off Mr. Obama’s head while shouting “Allahu Akbar,” Mr. Obama had no choice but to have Mr. bin Laden shot dead. Several bystanders were killed in the raid, but thankfully, no small animals were harmed.
The president regrets that it was not possible to fuel the special operations helicopters with eco-friendly bio fuels, due to the requirements of secret equipment located in the Blackhawk’s tail. However, as part of Mr. Obama’s continuing commitment to a clean environment, the Administration purchased carbon footprint offsets for the aviation fuel used in the raid. The SEALs also took care to protect the environment by using ammunition that had been forged with lead extracted from enemy dead bodies and shots that had previously missed their targets. This prudent recycling reduced the amount of lead that would seep into Abbottabad’s wells and water tables.
The elite SEAL team was accompanied by three special operations botanists who brought in and planted several evergreen shrubs as the raid was ongoing, quickly replacing any plant life damaged in the lighting-speed raid. The SEALs also brought two grief counselors who stayed on the ground for several minutes in order to counsel surviving family members and friends of bin Laden, who might have been traumatized by the SEALs’ precision double-tapping operation.
The grief counselors also handed out candy, soccer balls, and Nintendo game systems to the bin Laden children as a sign of remorse for the loss of their father and an expression of goodwill for the future. What’s more, the Administration pledges that any bin Laden children who want to further their education in the United States will be granted immediate admission to Columbia University with a full scholarship paid for by increased taxes on middle class Americans.
The 24-person SEAL team exemplified diversity goals fostered by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen. The impressive group included a woman; three Asians; two African Americans; one Pacific Islander; one Native American; four Hispanic Americans; a lesbian; a man who might be heterosexual but is currently confused about his gender identity (which is okay and perfectly normal); a Jewish American; a Wiccan; several Atheists and agnostics; one vertically challenged person; a transvestite; one recovering alcoholic; one SEAL with a master’s degree; two SEALs with GED’s; and one SEAL who is a valuable contributor to American society, doing jobs no one else wants to do, and being unfairly labeled as an “illegal immigrant” when really he is an undocumented special operator.
The success of this mission could not have been achieved without the strength found in our diversity.