ABANDON ALL HOPE OF CHANGE
PALIN DELENDA EST
Democratic National Committee
Unposted Principals’ Meeting
July 5, 2011
OFFICERS PRESENT
Debbie Wasserman Schultz, National Chair
Mike Honda, Vice Chair
Linda Chavez-Thompson, Vice Chair
OFFICER NOT TOLD OF MEETING
Donna Brazile, Vice Chair
INVITED GUESTS
Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader
Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader
John Zogby, Pollster
Brian Williams, Network Liaison
George “Daddy Warbucks” Soros
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: John, what’s the latest?
ZOGBY: No change. A commenter picked at random from Breitbart’s biggovernment.com would thrash President Obama next year in all 57 states, despite ACORN’s Get-Out-the-Dead-Vote project. The down-ticket effects would be equally catastrophic.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: No turning back, then. Ok, pass the cigars and smoke up the room. Today, we honor the sainted Boss Tweed by choosing a challenger to President Obama. Mr. Soros will fund our candidate in exchange for an office in the West Wing in the new administration.
SOROS: Yah, und SEC Chief, too
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Oh, right. Mike, ask Mr. Gore to join us . . . . Welcome, Mr. Vice President. Please sit. Now, tell us why you think we should select you to . . . .
GORE: I have conditions.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Conditions?
GORE: Which must accepted by all.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: And they are?
GORE: The new Congress’s first act: expropriating Lafayette Park and authorizing construction of the world’s largest geodesic habitats for endangered flora and fauna: We’ll call them the Green House and Animal House.
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Hmm. Research and Destroy assures me we’ll have enough dirt on GOP candidates to take both chambers if Obama’s not on the ticket. Nancy, Harry?
PELOSI: “The Green House”–the heart sings! I’ll commit to the project when I’m Speaker again.
REID: Me too, long as certain associates get the slots concession for both structures. Anything el . . . .
GORE: Karenna’s my VP and succeeds me in 2028. Yes, it’ll take me four terms to undo the damage done by my predecessors. You’ll have to amend the Constitution.
REID: [sighing] I guess. Now . . . .
GORE: There’s more. My earth-centric agenda rules: returning America to its pre-industrial base; and offering the public option to all mankind, resulting in lower life spans and thus reduced pressure on the planet’s resources.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: [sniffing] Hmmph! Short-term fixes.
GORE: I know. Long term? Our planet is hopelessly infested with … people; Earth is the Sick Man of the Solar System. But I am the Healer of Worlds. My prognosis: Gaia is doomed unless we gradually breed out the rampant species–us.
WILLIAMS: So, you’re talking, what, worldwide sterilization programs and zero reproduction mandates, in tandem leading to man’s extinction? I can live with that.
GORE: Eons from now, if humanity arises from the muck again, maybe we’ll get it right.
PELOSI: Visionary. But in the present, voters are concerned about energy costs. Your thoughts?
GORE: President Kennedy electrified America when he pledged to put a man on the moon in ten years. The Gore Administration will inspire the country with an environmental crash program: harvesting methane from bovine flatulence, a major cause of global warming.
WILLIAMS: Merde! Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?
GORE: In one swell poop, we harness a dangerous greenhouse bio-gas for use as cheap fuel.
REID: American entremanures will be all over it like flies on . . . .
GORE: If only it were just ruminants. Termites produce methane, too, big time. Unrecoverable, unfortunately. I’ll task Predators to take out the largest termite mounds worldwide.
WILLIAMS: Insect rights groups will go bugnuts.
GORE: We also need to look at ourselves. Billions use Earth as an outhouse. To set an example, I’ll require waste recyclers in every home and public facility in America by 2018. My first Executive Order: ”Harvesting Ordure: Operation Assimilative Heads.”
WILLIAMS: HOOAH?
ALL: HOOAH!!
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Well, Mr. Vice President, you certainly have your finger on the pulse of today’s Democratic Party.
SOROS: Vun more ting. Vat iss bad blood you haf wit Clintons?
GORE: Everybody knows they did me dirty in 2000 against Bush. Well, in February 2008 I called Hillary and told her I would endorse her over Obama. She sounded alarmed and requested a meeting.
REID: Uh oh.
GORE: I met them in a private room at a K Street motel Bill frequents, 32 Secret Service agents and the three of us. The Clintons pleaded with me to endorse Senator Obama instead. I refused, saying, “I helped you both get over the Lewinsky, uh, hump in ’98. That and your lukewarm support in 2000 cost me the Presidency. Well, here’s payback.”
PELOSI: What happened then?
GORE: It got pretty intense. At one point, Bill’s face turned purple, and he jabbed his finger into my chest and growled, “All those times you swore you wouldn’t utter a good word about either of us, you were lying, weren’t you? Obama put you up to this? Oprah? Ken Starr?”
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: That when Hillary obtained a restraining order against your endorsement?
GORE: Correct. I began offering advice to Obama. But I never really liked him. I just wanted to leave my big carbon footprint on Hillary’s back. The Clintons and I are over each other now. Oh George, if this gig doesn’t work out, I have a business proposal that you might find . . . .
WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Thank you, Mr. Vice President. We’ll get back to you.
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