NPR Meets ISIS: What A Liberal Should Tell a Muslim Terrorist

mtrak Police officer watches passengersas they board a train at Penn Station on November 24, 2015 in New York. After a string of terror attacks in several countries, the US government issued a worldwide travel alert warning American citizens of 'increased terrorist threats'. AFP PHOTO / TIMOTHY A. CLARY / …
Timothy A. Clary/AFP/Getty Images

What does a good liberal say to a gun-toting ISIS terrorist who takes him hostage this festive holiday season?

After all, the “Travel Alert” issued this week by the State Department applies to all U.S. citizens, not just bitter clingers or members of the Tea Party targeted by the IRS.

The problem is, to your average Muslim refugee terrorist, all infidels look alike. Adding to the confusion are the mixed messages coming out of the administration that the average moonbat voted for – twice!

After all, Obama said ISIS was “contained” – hours before the Paris massacre. His secretary of state, John Kerry, assured a jittery public that al Qaeda had been “neutralized” – seemingly minutes before one of their affiliates struck the hotel in Mali.

On this busiest travel day of the year, if – Allah forbid! – you should find yourself in some blood-spattered transportation hub, begging a Kalashnikov-wielding thug for mercy, do you open your backpack to show him your dog-eared copy of “Koran for Dummies?”

What would be the point of that? Obama and Hillary Clinton both have repeatedly assured their low-info followers that the “Islamic State” has nothing to do with Islam.

Remember the old saying: When seconds count, police are minutes away. Liberals will need to think fast if they wish to ever see that reassuring blue-and-white Bernie! yard sign on the front lawn again.

You don’t want to get too obscure, or local, in your pleas for mercy. Abdullah doesn’t care how many letters to the editor you wrote denouncing the Koch Brothers and the Keystone Pipeline.

To cite another example, Saadiq Long used to be a poster boy on MSNBC for AmeriKKKan racial profiling of Muslims. Now the “Air Force veteran” languishes in a Turkish jail as, what else, a suspected ISIS terrorist. You could yell “Free Saadiq Long!” in a desperate attempt to establish your fellow-traveler credentials. But unless Raqqa cable carries Rachel Maddow’s show, it’s unlikely your would-be killer ever heard of him.

Bottom line: Saadiq is not someone you’re going to pick for your Fantasy Terrorist Team.

Same with prisons. Talk about your disgust over Gitmo. Don’t confuse the ISIS killer by bringing up the federal Supermax in Florence. Sure, you and Rep. Keith Ellison understand that it’s home to some of the worst of the worst, or should I say the bravest of the brave jihadis – among others, the surviving Tsarnaev brother and Ahmed Ressam, the convicted LAX “Millenium Bomber.”

But let’s face it – Faisal with the grenade launcher is likely not on the CAIR email list. How soon they forget!

As a holiday service to the moonbats of America, here is a list of pleas that might save your life if you are taken hostage before next week’s “powerful rebuke” to terrorists at the Paris climate change conference.

“I always thought you guys were the varsity.”

“Bowe Bergdahl – American hero!”

“Didn’t I see you at a bunch of candlelight vigils after Bush invaded Iraq.”

“Are you a widow or an orphan?”

“But I have a COEXIST bumper sticker on my Prius.”

“I always refer to the Fort Hood attacks as ‘workplace violence.’”

“I had nothing to do with that vile video ‘Innocence of Muslims.’”

“During the Pats-Bills football game Monday night, I talked through the moment of silence for Ezra Schwartz.”

“But I always say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’”

“You can’t shoot me — I follow Stephen Colbert on Twitter.”

“I used to buy my weed from Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.”

“Please, let me show you what I’ve said on my Facebook page about Donald Trump.”

“I work for NASA – ask me about our Muslim outreach program!”

“But I defended Clock Boy!”

“At Town Meeting, I supported a Muslim prayer room at the local elementary school.”

“I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU.”

“I used to listen to Mumia Abu-Jamal’s commentaries on ‘All Things Considered.’ Look at this umbrella – I’m an NPR underwriter.”

“Back off – this is my safe space!”

“If you like your caliphate, you can keep your caliphate.”

“I have a suicide vest too – it’s fleece-lined, from L.L. Bean.”

“I have never drawn a cartoon of the Prophet.”

“Perhaps you don’t see the sign, Mohammed – this is a gun-free zone.”

“But I gave all three of my wives burqas for Eid.”

“I never much liked Paris anyway.”

“You can’t shoot me – this is a Starbucks red cup.”

“I signed an online petition to change the name of the Redskins.”

“Please let me go – I’m on my way to the conference on climate change that is causing all you Muslims to become terrorists – er, freedom fighters.”

“On Thanksgiving, I always remember our ‘Muslim founding fathers,’ as our wonderful President Obama described them in Cairo. My favorite is Osama bin Franklin.”


“Please, I’m not your enemy. I work for a non-profit.”

“I just blogged the other day demanding Israel return to its pre-1967 borders – I even have a map with ‘Palestine’ on my Facebook page.”

“Hey pal, don’t get mad at me – I’m an atheist.”

“Hands up – don’t shoot!”

“I maxed out to Mayor de Blasio – you can thank me for the fact that the NYPD didn’t stop ‘n’ frisk you on your way to the airport this morning.”

Good luck, comrades. You’re going to need it.

Howie Carr is the author of the new novel about Boston organized crime, “Killers” 


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